When someone you know has a miscarriage, please don’t refer to it as “just a miscarriage.”
I know it might not seem like that big of a deal to you. Maybe you’ve never lost a baby in utero so you can’t imagine it would be that painful. Or maybe you have lost one, and it wasn’t very hard for you.
That doesn’t mean it’s not hard for someone else.
We all handle loss differently. There’s nothing wrong with you if your miscarriage wasn’t difficult, just as there’s nothing wrong with you if it was.
So please, don’t say it’s “just a miscarriage.” Not only does that minimize someone’s legitimate grief, but also it’s just plain wrong.
There’s no such thing as “just a miscarriage.” Here’s why:
Why It’s Not Just a Miscarriage:
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s the loss of a baby. Many times, it’s the loss of a baby that the couple could not wait to hold.
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s the loss of someone’s dreams for her child. Each time we found out we were expecting, I began dreaming. I dreamed about whether or not it was a he or a she. I dreamed about fun things we might do in his or her future. I dreamed about proms, trips to a nail salon, and watching little league baseball. Even after our second (and third and fourth) miscarriage, I could not stop dreaming when I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. Even when I knew we might not see any of those dreams come to fruition, I couldn’t stop dreaming.
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” Instead, it’s the source of intense guilt. Every single time I have miscarried, I have struggled with guilt. Even thought I know in my head it wasn’t my fault, it’s still hard to convince my heart. Guilt is a common struggle for those who have recently miscarried. This is even more true if the pregnancy was unplanned (or not necessarily someone’s ideal situation).
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also a lot of physical pain. Miscarrying cramps are not the same as contractions (I’ve had both), but they are still painful. Sometimes, immensely painful. Please don’t minimize the physical pain of a miscarriage simply because it’s not full term.
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also a hormonal roller coaster. I don’t know how to explain this other than to say it’s like postpartum depression without the baby. A woman’s body is going through some crazy hormonal shifts when she miscarries. Pair that with the fact that she’s also grieving the loss of a child, and it’s understandable why she might cringe when someone tells her it’s “just a miscarriage.”
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also hard on a marriage. Anytime a couple goes through a loss, it’s a strain on their marriage.
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It might also be someone’s unanswered prayer. I begged God to save each of our babies. He didn’t choose to do so. Four times. I was, therefore, not only grieving the loss of my child, I was also struggling in my faith and wondering why God felt so distant.
- It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also something that has the potential to hurt over and over again. Some women get pregnant shortly after their miscarriage and have a healthy pregnancy. I can’t speak for these people, because that is not my story. Maybe it doesn’t hurt as long. Or maybe it does. I don’t know. What I do know is that even now, almost 3 years since my most recent miscarriage, baby showers are still hard. So are pregnancy announcements. When someone has a miscarriage…and another has a healthy baby, the healthy baby is a constant reminder of what was lost. It’s not AT ALL that we’re not happy for those with healthy babies. We absolutely are and would never wish a miscarriage on another. It’s just that it hurts to think of what we’re missing out on.
So please, for all of these reasons and for some I’m sure I’m missing, don’t call it “just a miscarriage.” Don’t act like she should be “over it” by now.
Because the truth is, you don’t get over grief. It just changes on you. It might look different today than it did yesterday. But it’s not something you get over.
Is there anything else you would add to this list of reasons it’s not “just a miscarriage”? Share in the comment section.
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
Last year I’ve had a traumatic missed abortion with eventually a visit to the hospital. A week later, at my cousins birthday party in their garden, one of my sisters in law asked my other sister in law how she was feeling because she was pregnant. I was standing next to her. I could not say a thing. I was so hurt. Later I sent my sisters in law a text saying how I felt and in future if they could save their conversations about pregnancy when they were together, without us.
My pregnant sister in law answered if she could not enjoy her pregnancy… I’m still hurt.
So it’s not just a miscarriage. Its also the loss of trust and support of family.
It’s not just a miscarriage, it’s all the doctors appointments, shots, medications, it’s the positive test in all the negative ones, it’s something you’ve fought for. It’s the child you have prayed for, it’s the love between you and your spouse, it’s a dream. It’s so many things that I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to explain it.
Great message ! It definitely is Not just a miscarriage in all aspects. I never knew the pain and loss of a baby until it happen to us. I have two healthy daughters that I raised for 11 years as a single mother. After 11 years God restored my family and my husband overcame addiction . We got pregnant in 2017 with our third child how excited we were after 11 years we were having another child . But at 8 weeks we didn’t get to hear our baby’s heartbeat .. I’ve never had experienced that type of pain .. and it definitely affected my husband the next day my husband relapsed. For a year I couldn’t talk to my husband about our child I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t realize my husband couldn’t have that conversation because he was still in so much pain. We now have our rainbow baby .. but it has taken counseling , constant Gods word to remind us the promise of being together one day and we are able to have conversations and celebrate the due date and our heavenly baby’s bdays. Theres not a day that I don’t think how are family would be with our heavenly baby.
My husband and I experienced our first miscarriage on January 27 of this year. We found out we were pregnant at Christmas 2019, we were so excited and had such a seemingly healthy start to our pregnancy. Our first real appointment with our OB was on the 27th, we went back for our ultrasound and they told us we were having twins! We were so in shock and so overwhelmed by that unexpected news, until a few minutes later when we were informed they could not find a heartbeat for either baby. We were 8 weeks +4 days. They told us our babies measured 8 weeks +2 and 8 weeks +3. We were so devastated, and of course are still trying to grieve through this storm. We went from joy and excitement for two beautiful babies to no babies within minutes. We had a D&C on the 29th, and my body is almost “back to normal” as far as the lab works goes. Although I don’t think myself or my husband will ever be “back to normal” after this.
I miscarried yesterday at 8 weeks and 5 days. Very painful experience, I couldn’t stop crying all day long. I could see my little baby I couldn’t let it go. Little legs, little arms and a head that hasn’t fully formed yet. I told the baby I was happy to be your mommy for this very short period of time. I have an 8 year old daughter that has asked for a sibling for a long time but I didn’t even get to tell her she’s a big sister now to a sibling in heaven. I know it was Gods plan to make my baby an angel, but it still
Hard to realize that a was mommy of 2 for two short months. I love you my sweet baby Love ❤️
I had 2 miscarriages my first one was on mothers day 2010 and in the er waiting room a lady was in labor and the second one was Dec 2016 around Christmas and I still cant get over it there is just so many of family and friends having babies and I dont wish and wrong doing on anybody or.there baby I am excited for them I really am I just get in a depression when I hear someone is going to have a baby cause I just always ask what wrong with me why cant I do the one thing that millions of women do and why does God bless women with babies that dont want them or hurt there babies and I cant even have a baby and have trouble getting pregnant I just feel sad and guilty for thinking like that I know it’s not God’s fault or mine I guess it’s just not meant to be and that just makes me very sad and depressed
16 years after and I still wonder what my boy would look like and be interested in.
And, yes, miscarriage does indeed affect fathers.
I’ve had two misscarriages. The first was on my 21st birthday 10 days after those wonderful lines appeared. The second was further alone I was engaged and my grandfather was dying of cancer. I knew this baby longer dreamed so vivedly had plans. This baby was hope for my whole family we were loosing someone special but gaining someone special too. That loss broke me. It was christmas. I was devastated. The depression went on and on. My baby would be 3 next week. I do now have a beautiful baby girl. She’s 6 months old and so wonderful. Many would expect me to be (over it) since I have a child now. But she had a sibling she’ll never know and a bond that’ll never grow and that’s hard all over again.
Thank you for having this support group and education awareness on loss
I had two
One over 30 years ago and the second one over 25 years ago
I have 4 children although six pregnancies. There was nothing back then it was just something that was seen as not to make a fuss.
So just thank you for your time and consideration and effort having this support here x
Thank you !!!! I am currently experiencing a 13 week miscarriage. I Know God is in control! I have felt compelled to write my experience and story! Because frankly this is honestly the most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life!!! And to see the pain behind my husbands eyes as he comforts me silently! Seeming almost cold. My mother a very wise women told me. He feels the this too!! But he is being strong so u can be a mess! Never forget this effects men as well!! It’s so hard to see him he can’t protect me from the horror or pain of this. I no it makes him feel helpless! Sry I’m rambling now. But. It’s very hard to talk about! And I just kinda started pouring out. Thank u for this article!!
I found out I miscarried 5 weeks into being pregnant. In the very brief time I had known I was pregnant I had already began to dream. I’m only sixteen, and I know I wasn’t ready for a baby, but I still wish that I had been given a chance to know my baby. My ex (the father) had broken up with me because he thought I made up being pregnant to try and get attention. It’s going to be almost impossible to tell him about this because it hurts so much, emotionally. It’s like there’s just something pulling me down, resting it’s weight on my heart and it hurts to breathe. I’m never going to hold my first baby.
These arw all amazing reasons why a miscarriage isnt just something that happens.
My story….i was 15…I didnt even know I was pregnant. One day, I woke up amd just was not feeling right what so ever. So i went up to my doctors and explained what i was feeling, they took an ultrasound and told me i had a baby in me .So they had me do some tests, to be told I had a miscarriage. I was four months along with a little girl. I am now 17, and just remembering that day makes me feel like im going to throw up .I dont ever wish for someone to go through what I had to go through
Thank you for sharing your story and, if I may share part of mine with you it may help answer one of your points.
I have had two miscarriages and three successful pregnancies. Babies 1 and 4 were lost at 14 weeks, 41 and 33 years ago. I still miss them and wonder what their lives, and ours, would have been like, and yes, there are still some days when they pain is once again so raw that my eyes leak uncontrollably. They will always be part of our family and their siblings have grown up knowing that their lives had meaning.
Perhaps, with the passage of time, what I’ve realised is that few other people remember the loss, so the remembering is very personal. Just God, my babies and me ❤❤
Thank you for this blog. It’s been 17 days today since I had miscarriage. I was 8weeks5days. The first ultrasound was at 8weeks1day. The doctor told us there’s no heartbeat yet. Should come back in a week or two. We were excited. I have 3kids, a girl 8yo, boys 6 and 3. They were really happy during the ultrasound, a surprised for them actually. The day I had the miscarriage, we went to the hospital and told them no more baby. My 3yo said he already magic my tummy and there will be another baby in there so he can become big brother. Yesterday, he asked me if I can adopt a baby.
I cannot stop thinking of what have I done wrong to cause it, did I eat something that caused it, did I do lots of work that my body is tired and can’t stand? I can’t stop thinking of why. I feel guilty deep inside. As much as I wanted to try again, I’m scared to experience the same thing again.
I’m 16. And I was pregnant for 3 months without knowing and I went to the bathroom felt a stinging pain. And out comes a blob. I know that I shouldn’t worry much about it. But the fact that I was carrying a babychild in my stomach is amazing.
I could of been a mother. And I didn’t even know. My ex could of been the best dad. And we wouldn’t of known till I started to get a bigger baby bump .
I had a miscarriage August 13 2015 and I almost didn’t make it through today I have a beautiful healthy baby girl but I still mourn every day and think about what it would have been like for her to have a big brother or sister.
I’ve just had my fourth miscarriage in two and a half years. It’s a pain that never heals.
I’m having my fourth right now, breaks my heart. All I can ask is why?
It’s not just a miscarriage even if you conceive right after (like me). The new pregnancy does not remove the grief. Now you have grief and guilt. Grief because you miss your baby and guilt because you feel grief and are afraid to bond with the new baby. This has been my journey. I am 6 months pregnant and my due date for my first pregnancy is next week. I am kinda beside myself.
After the miscarriage of our first child I was left wondering if my husband and I were even genetically compatible. If it was even possible for us to have a healthy baby? He would try and make me feel better by saying when I was ready we could try again. But I was afraid that something would go wrong again. And I didn’t want to go through that pain again but the same point I didn’t want to see him so sad.
Hi there. This is exactly what I feel now. I’m scared to experience the same thing again. Hugs
We tried to get pregnant for 4 years. We finally began treatment and had a bfp after our 3rd IUI. At 6 weeks 6 days transvaginal u/s no heart beat. 7 weeks 7 days no progress. No heart beat. That was on Friday. We are scheduling a DnC. Every day that goes by…every day I get dressed and see my barely bump…every day I wake up with painful breasts…everyday someone asks, “when are you going to start having kids?” My heart is shattered. I try to act normal at work but on my drive home I cry my eyes out. I tried to go out with my husband and his friends but I started crying on the way so asked him to drive me home. My sister in law is pregnant 20 weeks. I was excited to have my baby months after hers. We planned a road trip to visit family at 13 weeks so we could finally announce we were pregnant. Now we won’t be making any announcements. I want to talk to a friend about it but I dont want to cry. I’m not ready yet. No one new we were pregnant. I feel so empty.
My heart breaks for you. I pray God gives you the desire of your heart. I hope you are able to share and get support from other women who have experienced the depth of grief you are living through. May you find peace, grace and hope in the midst your sorrow.
I have suffered 4 misscarriges , after I had 2 children the first time trying. My b-day is 9/3 I had to stop , saw your post was on 9/3. I’m so sorry for your loss. I just suffered the loss a week ago . Actually , it was Christmas Day 12/25/18 ! And, had to be “happy” for the family. I also lost a nephew on 9/3 , he had Just turned 2! 8/27, my heart was never the same , after his loss. I’m very blessed , I do know that, I’m praying you could have your beautiful baby in your arms ! Blessings . Will be in my prayers .
O my God it’s like everyone around me is still holding on to their baby. And it’s like I want them to shut up. I don’t want to hear nothing. I’m I wrong for feeling this way.
My husband and I lost our baby in June. We were 11 weeks and went for ultrasound, and there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore. It’s getting easier, but like today, was maybe the first day I actually had without crying, but I open the mailbox this afternoon, and there is a baby shower invitation to a girls shower who was due 2 weeks after me. I was having a great day, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, a complete gut punch and it turned my great day into a very long night. I can’t sleep, I’m angry, because it was very inconsiderate, but she has never been through a misscarage. We all know we would have never sent one out of the roles were reversed having been through one before. This girl constantly complains to me because her baby keeps her up at night kicking and heartburn. The invitation was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had to ask God to really help me tonight, because I hold hate in my heart, not towards her innocent baby, but to just how inconsiderate people can really be. As I read each of your comments my hearts aches even more, but also find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. God’s peace really has brought me through, even on my worst days, I am so thankful I got to carry my baby, even for just a short time. It is the most precious thing only I have of Him and nobody else’s. I pray for each of you tonight. Much love.
I just lost my baby August 06 2018.. It’s so hard he only weight 3oz but he reminded me of my other kids which my daughter is 19 and my son is 14. I wonder what did I do wrong.. You never question God, but I did. I prayed everyday church ever Sunday but now it’s so hard. I know he’s in a better place but you still ask why….
Hi Rochelle, I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. My heart breaks as I read your post. You absolutely did NOT do anything wrong. I blamed myself so much for several of our miscarriages, but I finally learned it wasn’t my fault. And it’s not your fault either. And yes, I questioned God a lot too. Honestly, I still do. But I really think that’s okay. He can handle our big questions, ya know? Hugs, my friend. I’m lifting you up in prayer. You are not alone!
I just lost my baby… I’m inmerse in sadness and tears…
I don’t have words right now to explain the pain I feel in my heart.
Oh Ivannia, I’m so very sorry! I wish I could say something to fix your pain, but you and I both know words can fix it. You are not alone, my friend. Hugs and prayers.
When I lost my baby boy, my sister said I didn’t even know him. But, yes I did. I hurt for the baby brother my daughter was waiting for. The baby brother my son wanted so much. I didn’t just hurt for me…I didn’t just hurt him. I hurt, I ache and long for him today. If it was just a miscarriage…why has the pain never lessened. Because, a miscarriage is a loss of a baby…and child …a man…a woman. Because, that is what they grow up to be. We love our babies before they are born. So, if I didn’t know my precious Ethan…why do all the mothers look so happy holding them new born strangers.
Hi Ondrea, I’m so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. You are absolutely right-we do love our babies, even before we meet them- and I’m so very sorry your sister said that to you. There are no words that can fix your pain, but please know I’m praying for you. Hugs and prayers coming your way, my friend. You are not alone!
I lost two boys. One at 13 weeks and the other at 19 weeks. I knew my boys. I knew their spirits, and when I remember those pregnancies, I knew that they were different. I know that when I see them in heaven I will know them. They are my sons and even though we didn’t get to have much time together, I will always be their mom. I am sorry for your loss, but I know that your baby knows you and you know your baby, from day one – forever! Love and prayers my friend!
Thanks very much Lindsey for this post. At the moment am going through a miscarriage of my 7 weeks baby. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. When I was told in the hospital, I was numb and didn’t believe it. I taught I will pass through it easily but as the days go by, am loosing my sanity. Am struggling everyday to pass by. I have two kids 4 and 7, girl and boy respectively. They don’t understand. When I told them that baby is no more coming, they vehemently refused saying baby will come February 2019 which was my supposed due date. My God! my heart is bleeding and aching. I am angry, I feel guilt, helpless, scared, overwhelmed, pain. I just want to be alone. Will not be able to really describe the pain am going through. Thanks so much for this blog. This is just like seeing a light at the end of a tunnel. God bless you abundantly for me.
Hi Ekeoma, Ugh, I’m so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I wish I could say something that would ease your pain, but you and I both know there really are no words for such a deep loss. Hugs and prayers coming your way, my friend. You are not alone!
Thanks very much Lindsey, you really gave me an avenue to voice out. Since then, I have coped greatly. At the moment TTC again. Baby dust again to you all!
I cry as I read your blog. It’s been 13 years since our first miscarriage and the pain is still so fresh. I felt as though I should have written this.
It’s not just a miscarriage because as you pray and ask God to save your baby, It’s hard to hang on to your faith and hopes because you know that whatever you do, it’s not going to save your baby. Because once the process begins, and you feel the cramps, and you bleed, you know that you are hanging onto a thin slippery thread that is the life of your unborn child. You will your body and your heart to hang on…. but your body betrays you, and your heart breaks, I knew God must have had a plan for us.
He did. We l lost three babies, than success; lost aanother and immediately after, were successful with aanother. We have been blessed with two beautiful boys, but we lost for babies. Thank you for sharing and for allowing me to remember our angels. May God continue to bless you.
Hi Andria, Thanks so much for sharing your story here. Ugh, my heart breaks as I learn of more and more people who are experiencing this awful loss. You described it as hanging on to a thin slippery thread…exactly. That’s the perfect description. Hugs, my friend. And thank you again for sharing here. Many blessings.
I too appreciate this post, my boyfriend and I lost our baby at 38 weeks 9 days from my due date one week ago, he would have been our first child, the guilt I feel is unbearable even though I know there is nothing I could have done. Everyone keeps saying i can have another, but i feel so empty I can’t even think about that, I feel broken, we had so many plans, we were so looking forward to holding him after having a really rough year. I think it hurts even more knowing everything was going great with my pregnancy and then to have him just pass 9 days from my date is unreal. I know God has a plan and I struggle each day to try to make sense of it but it hard not to question him, it hurts so much.
Keddie, I’m so so sorry for the incredible loss you and your boyfriend are experiencing. I too battled guilt, but you’re right. There is nothing you could have done to stop it from happening. It’s so hard to not blame someone, isn’t it? I struggled with that so much. Hang in there, my friend. I wish so much I could say something to help ease the pain but unfortunately, losing a baby you couldn’t wait to hold is not something that someone can fix. I will definitely pray for you, though…pray for you to feel comforted and loved in this deep time of pain. Hugs and prayers coming your way right now.
Keddie, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please do not lose faith. I believe faith carried me thru the darkness and despair. God does have a plan…believe in that he is carrying you, your grief, and your angel. Stay strong and do not ever let go your your love for your baby.
I appreciate this post so much. My husband and I just lost our twins at 8weeks 2days ago and the amount of pain I feel is indescribable; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Is overwhelming for both me and my husband. The loss of these two angels will never leave me even tho God chose to take them from me. I only hope it gets easier with time. Good works in mysterious ways but I have to keep faith that he wouldn’t be so cruel to keep me from the blessing of two healthy babies.
Players to all…
Sarah, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your two beautiful babies. I am praying for you as I type. You are definitely not alone in this. Hugs, my friend. One thing I have learned is that though time doesn’t heal the wound, it does help the sting get less intense. So hang on. It does get easier as time passes. Prayers for you.
My husband and I lost 2 babies. I had 2 different miscarriages. It still breaks my heart everyday. I was only 6 weeks both times but I felt that change and I already felt the love for my babies. I still feel so guilty about them and I have lost my faith in God because I don’t understand why this happened to me and happened to me twice.
Hi Emily, I’m so very sorry for your losses. Ugh, my heart hurts for you so very much. I’ve also struggled a lot with the question of why…it’s so hard. Hugs and prayers for you, my friend. You’re not alone.
Emily, it doesn’t matter how far along you were in your pregnancy. You lost your babies. Some people seem to think that because you were not that far along in your pregnancy, that the loss is not that great…WRONG! The loss is great, and painful, and heartbreaking. Once the is life, it’s life… the love is there, the dreams for the future are there. Its normal to feel guilt because as a mother, you protect your child. So when we lose a pregnancy we feel as though our bodies betrayed us…. the feeling us real. Just know that the really was nothing you could have done to prevent it. My first was the most painful physically. I remember laying on the sofa afraid to move because I thought I could keep my baby safe. You may never understand why it happened to you. You were not targeted. We lost four angels…three in a row; after many tests and exams, we still had no answers as to why. Stay strong and resilient. Believe there is a higher power who has a plan for you. Don’t lose your faith or hope.
Hi, my boyfriend and I lost our baby at about 7 weeks along March 21. I really enjoyed reading your post. I feel extreme guilt and I feel like I did something wrong. I don’t feel like anyone around me understands how I’m feeling. I feel like I’m not “supposed” to feel sad about it because my baby wasn’t born.
Hi Morgan, I’m so very sorry for your loss. One thing my doctor told me over and over again with each of our losses was this: “It’s not your fault. Nothing you did caused this and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent this.” The same is true for you, so please try not to blame yourself. Hugs, my friend. Also, there’s no way you’re “supposed” to feel, so let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. What you feel is simply that…it’s what you feel. Praying for you today.
Thank you your story Lindsey! First off, I’m truly sorry for your loss. My husband and I lossed our first child only four weeks ago when I was 11 weeks along. Reading your story, meant the world to me. These past four weeks have been the hardest in my life and marriage. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone with how I’m thinking/feeling right now.
Hi Nicole, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Ugh, my heart hurts for you during this time. Hugs, my friend. Thank you so much for commenting. It’s comments like this that remind me why I share my story. I’m so glad this post was helpful for you. You are definitely not alone. Praying for you and for your husband.
I was only 2 weeks pregnant but I’m at a loss for words. I didn’t get to hear my child’s heartbeat or find out the gender. I didn’t get to announce that I was even expecting. I was excited, making plans for my child’s life, and my own. I am only 19 and truly felt ready. I guess my body and future had something else planned for me. I didn’t think in a million years this would happen to me. Maybe someone has advice on how to overcome this. I feel like I could have done something to prevent this. I feel like I am at fault. I don’t know what to do. Thank you all for sharing your stories and I am so sorry to you all
Please know that you didn’t do anything to cause your loss. The vast majority of miscarriages occur due to genetic abnormality in the embryo, and as little as I’m sure this helps right now, there is likely nothing at all you could have done differently.
I never saw a heartbeat with my losses either. All but one time, I lost the baby before I got to tell anyone but my husband and mom. I felt like it wasn’t “real” enough to be sad about outwardly at the time. Like I was inconveniencing people with my mood. I no longer believe that. My advice would be to let yourself feel what you feel. It will get easier, but it will be a slow process. If you find yourself laughing or smiling, don’t feel guilty about that. Find someone, anyone, who will let you talk about it. Do something to remember your baby if that would help you. It does me.
Lastly, I’m so very sorry. You will be okay. <3
Hi Brianna, First of all, I’m so very sorry for the loss you are going through right now. My heart hurts reading your story. Hugs and prayers to you, my friend. I so wish I could offer you some five step plan that would guarantee quick healing, but unfortunately, that doesn’t exist. I can tell you, though, that with time, the loss does start to hurt less. Hang in there, sweet friend, and know you are not alone. This is definitely not something you caused, and most of the time, there’s nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage either. My doctor told me with each of mine, “This is NOT your fault.” Please know the same for you. This is NOT your fault. You did NOT cause this. I’m praying for you, my friend. You can get through this. Hang in there.
I went on to have a healthy pregnancy 4 months after a miscarriage and it still hurts that our first baby is not here with us now 9 years on.
We still talk about it, we still miss our baby and the guilt during my pregnancy with my daughter was hard. I felt like I had betrayed my first baby by having another. As if I was just trying to replace him/her which was not the case.
I still have the peace Lilly my mum bought for me to remember my very first baby in pride of place in my window ledge and my 2 older daughters know all about our missing baby. Nice my youngest is old enough she will know all about our baby too.
Hi Danielle, Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you ever forget. I was talking to my husband today about how it still stings to see a newborn baby. I wonder all the time what our babies would have been like. Hugs, my friend. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful story.
I feel like I’m home reading this and reading all the comments. I had two misscarriages last year, 5 months apart. And there is not a day that I don’t think about my babies. The emotional pain you go through, singled out you know? Pointed at because you can’t do that ‘basic’ thing everybody else can do -reproduce-. I try hard for the demons not to get to me. I’m scared to get pregnant again and loose a third baby. I get sad also thinking I might never be able to have kids. It’s just hard to be positive. I praise every single woman here. You are strong and thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s so comforting to see you are not alone.
Hi Alejandra, I’m so very sorry for the losses you have experienced. Ugh, my heart hurts for you. I don’t have any answers, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’m praying for you today. Hugs, my friend.
If I would have had my first baby he/she would be 16 years old this past September. Since the first miscarriage I have had 6 others 2 little boys and 3 more miscarriages. To explain the last 3 After the first 7 my doctor after many test that showed nothing wrong went out on a limb when I got pregnant with my 8th baby and put me on progesterin (not oral) and heparin, after we saw his heart beat at 7wks I felt a little better maybe secure would be the right word about carring this baby full term at 10weeks I was told I could stop the progesterin I did but not until a week later when I saw his little wiggling self on ultra sound one more time, then at 3 months my doctor said I could stop the heparin I told him I was scared too so he told me I could continue to give my self the shots if I was to scared to stop them and so I did. I went full term plus a week with my baby boy then 36 hours of labor only to end up with a c-section lol and he is still a stubborn little boy at 10 years old today. 3 years after I had home I got pregnant again only used the progesterin this time and I now have a 7 year old little boy and I could not imagine my life without them even when they drive me crazy fighting non stop. After my youngest child I had 3 more miscarriages, See if. I didn’t catch my pregnancies early enough they would not stick it took the progesterin started at the right time for the baby to stick as the doctor put it the first 2 of these were unexpected but welcome and the third we were trying for and lost last Thanksgiving. As of now my husband and I being in our mid 30s are done having babies
God blessed us with 2 amazing busy smart athletic and crazy boys and for that I am forever thankful.
Hi Amelia, I don’t know how I missed your comment when you first shared it but I wanted to say thanks for sharing your story and I’m so very sorry for all of the losses you have experienced.
Wow, you really nailed this. A lot of thoughts that I have been unable to articulate in the last five years and 4 miscarriages. Even though they were early, even though we only saw anything on an ultrasound once, even now that I have my twins through IVF, it still hurts and careless words still sting. Thank you, I’m going to share this.
Hi Margo, I don’t know how I missed your comment when you first shared it but I wanted to say thanks for your kind words and I’m so very sorry for the losses you have experienced. I’m glad my post was able to voice your feelings. Hugs, my friend. You are not alone.
Tomorrow is 7 years since I lost my baby. I was fine when I woke up today – went to the store, had lunch, planned to sit by the hotel pool for the afternoon and now I haven’t moved from this bed. I am not sure what happened but man do I miss my baby…
I’m sorry to all of you who have angel babies. I grieve with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I agree…you never really know when it’s going to hit you. Hugs, my friend.
This is great and helps so much. thank you. I had a very early miscarriage last month, my fiance doesn’t understand as we were only 5 weeks so to him it wasn’t real yet. But we have been trying a year with no luck so for this to happen was my dream come true only to end in devastation. I don’t have any children so to have even a glimpse of being a mum was a massive deal for me. I’m still very bitter about it all.
I’m so very sorry for your loss 🙁 It does seem to be very different for some guys for some reason. Hugs to you, my friend. And praying for comfort for you.
The twins should have been born in April of 1996. The one I lost first by miscarriage and the other by tubal pregnancy about a week later by emergency surgery. I still think of them every day. We wanted them, and still it hurts so much when we hear of a newborn healthy baby. We wanted our own baby and wanted to watch them to grow up to make something great of themselves. We love other babies, don’t get me wrong. It is just painful to think, “what if”!
Oh, I can totally relate to the “what if” thinking. The oldest baby we lost would be 6 now, and I still think of her all the time. I guess when you love big, you grieve big. Hugs, my friend. Remembering your sweet babies with you today.
I too have recently gone through a miscarriage and reading this was as close as you can get to perfect… We found out Christmas day 15 weeks and one day along and to this day I am still struggling with the pain I must say people have told me numorous times to just get over it I’ll have another like it’s nothing and it hurts really bad…. I’m sick of people telling me to just get over it… Or it could have been worse… It’s hard no matter how far along a person was it’s still a baby…. your baby….. Anyways I’m so sorry for the losses you have faced I couldn’t imagine… We r still trying as we speak and yet nothing I do know it’s hard too when ur trying again and u keep getting negative results back every month… it breaks my heart everytime… over and over again….
Oh Chelsea, I’m so so sorry for your loss. Ugh, my heart is just breaking for you. I wish I could say something that would help…but I know from experience that there really are no words. Hugs and prayers to you, my friend. Lifting you up today.
It’s definitely not just a miscarriage when you are told your daughter has no heart beat. Or you have to go to the hospital and give birth. Going through all the pain of labor but knowing you can’t take her home after. Or when you hold her in your arms for the first time and its also the last time. I prayed everyday for her. For god to keep her safe. But he took her instead. I miss my baby so much. I named her Railynn. She passed away on April 12th 2017.
Oh, Kayla, I’m so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful name you chose. I’m praying for you today and in the days to come. Hugs, my friend.
I’m going through the same thing, what hurts the most is that people minimize my pain because I already have to beautiful boys. They say I tested to early.. 5 weeks pregnant! I should have waited .. 5 weeks was nothing .. how can it be nothing? We have been TTC for the last 3 years. With absolutely no luck.. it was the first positive.. I have people tell me I should be thankful I have my boys… yes I am grateful but I wanted this precious little angel too.
I had many people say similar things to me as well…”At least you have one child….” “You should be thankful for the child you do have.” I always wanted to say back, “I am thankful for him! But that doesn’t take away the pain of losing this other child!” I’m so very sorry people have not been more supportive. Hugs and prayers coming your way, my friend.
Getting pregnant right after a pregnancy is terrifying. I got pregnant 6 weeks after my first miscarriage and miscarried that baby also. I then got pregnant 6 weeks after the second miscarriage and had a healthy full term baby. I was scared of miscarriage through every pregnancy after. Not a day goes by that i dont look at my rainbow baby, now 7 years old, and wonder what her siblings that I lost would be doing and what they would look like. I dream about them all the time.
The worst for me was being avoided by people I thought were my friends. It was almost like I had some disease they were afraid to catch 🙁
So sorry for you loss and those that have commented.
Also along the lines of it being hard on a marriage. It’ll change your husband. My husband went from wanting to try again to after a d&c with hemorrhaging completely counting it out. We have 2 girls but that doesn’t change me wanting the child we loss. And I definitely don’t feel ok with this being it, this being the end. But he’s scared, scared to lose me in another surgery if it’s needed, scared to go through it again.
The worst for me was people saying that I had plenty of time to have another and I’d get pregnant again. I don’t CARE about getting pregnant again, j care about the baby I just lost and will never know.
My husband and I suffered through loosing 7 babies before we had two beautiful gifts from God. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told us “it wasn’t meant to be.” It’s heartbreaking. And almost every time minimized because people simply don’t know what to say. News flash say nothing! A simple I’m sorry works!
Never say to a mother that “it wasn’t really a ‘baby’ yet”. I had that said to me when I lost my first baby and I can still feel how I felt when it was said.
I read this through tears. I have 4 children, including an angel. You’d think since I already had 2 children when I had my miscarriage, I’d be okay with it. It’s been 4 years, but it still hurts every single day. I had a really hard time with it. I still do. I tried hard not to question God, but there were days when it is all I did. Our baby was extremely sick. I was told I would miscarry weeks before I did. I saw specialist after specialist. It was some the worst pain I ever felt. No one really said anything, which was hard too. I wanted someone to acknowledge how hurt I was. My husband would hold me while I cried myself to sleep and I was very depressed, waiting for my body to purge this human from me. I tried to trick my mind into thinking I wasn’t pregnant, as if that was possible. Every time I cramped, I thought it was happening. For 3 weeks, my two older children had to watch me fake through the motions of my life. It was the longest 3 weeks. I told myself every time that I had an ultrasound, that some miraculous miracle had changed all that was wrong. I blamed myself for this rare disorder that my baby suffered with. We didn’t want to know the sex and still don’t know. I imagine meeting him or her (named June) someday. Our silver lining… We conceived another baby the same week of what would have been June’s due date. Our daughter, Ryce (pronounced Rice), is now 3 years old and is smart as a whip. While I wanted that baby more than anything, I wouldn’t have this daughter. It’s bitter sweet. Had I given birth to June, he/she would have only known pain and suffering. I couldn’t have calmed him/her with my touch b/c there was so much wrong. And if I had had June, I wouldn’t have Ryce. I feel myself, but I still feel like I am missing a part of me. There are days I barely think about it. There are days, like right now while writing this, that my mind transports back to those weeks. Such vivid memories. I’d wish to give them up, if they weren’t so important. Until we meet again.
Yes, to have the pain acknowledged is a huge thing. No one it seems does.
You shouldn’t assume anything about the way a miscarriage feels physically to a woman. Calling what I experienced “cramps” is severely downplaying what I actually experienced. Yes it started with cramping, more severe than my normal period cramps. These last about 24 hours before the full blown contractions kicked in 30 seconds apart for 2-3 hours. It was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced and I would never label it as “cramps”.
We have had three miscarriages. After our second one, which was in the 2nd trimester, my husband’s boss said, “it’s natural selection”. That was over 2 years ago and those words still haunt me.
Sorry but if your husband was not Christian and he hit his boss… it would of been justifiable!!!
Thank you so much for finding the words I never could! I found this1 week after I found out my baby’s heart stopped. I was numb until I found this. I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling. I was angry, mad, sad, devastated but didn’t know what to say. This was everything and I mean everything I was feeling. Perfectly written, the words I had been searching for right here. It has helped me tremendously!
Ashlee, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. Praying for you this morning.
Wonderfully written – thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I lost our second child in miscarriage just days before our sister-in-law gave birth at 36 weeks. Her son had an undiagnosed birth defect and he only lived for moments. Walking that path of grief was quite the journey. I’ve shared your story on Wings of Hope – our local outreach program for women who experience pregnancy loss. https://www.facebook.com/wingsofhope and http://wingsofhopemankato.weebly.com/ Thank you again for being a voice!!!
Thank you so much for sharing the post. And for sharing your story here. I’m so very sorry for your loss and for your sister-in-law’s loss. So very hard.
Thanks for sharing Lindsey. I do want to tell you though that even if you get pregnant again right after a miscarriage, it is still just as hard. You still think and pray about the one that went to heaven before you got to meet him or her. You still think about them. You still grieve. So sorry for your loss. By the way for those reading and don’t know what to say, say that or say “What can I do to help?.” Just don’t say you need to confess whatever sin you have that made you lose that baby. I had that said to me and I still carry those words around with me.
I can’t believe someone said that to you! That’s terrible. And so, so wrong. Wow. Just wow. I’m so sorry they said that. Thank you for sharing. And thanks for letting me know it’s still hard, even when you do get pregnant shortly thereafter. I have had some friends who have seemed to “get over” (as much as you really get over) theirs quicker than others, but I think everyone is just different. I too am so very sorry for your loss. Blessings to you today.
I don’t think you ever truly get over your angel babies. No matter how people seem, People hide alot of emotions just because it hurts if you bring it all back up again. I have had one preterm baby, she died shortly after birth and two miscarriages following, and just recently got pregnant straight after a miscarriage. This was very hard for me to accept the fact I was pregnant again, and still is. I am getting more excited as the months go by, but I will never forget how it felt loosing my babies. Life is uncertain but I know dwelling on these angels will never bring them back, what keeps me going is knowing they are in a better place. I have no idea if this baby is the one I will get to hold, get to truly do the motherly things but I will always have hope and trust that these things are out of my control and that is ok with me, cause it’s not my fault and there is nothing I can do but keep having faith in the unseen. I pray you all find some peace in your loses one day knowing that there is a bigger plan, that we just don’t know.
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry for the ignorance of that person.
I had a friend who lost a pregnancy and was told ,”well, now you can enjoy your baby and she won’t have to grow up too fast.” She had an 11 month old when she has a miscarriage. Some people are just ignorant.
Oh wow, that’s terrible too. I’m so sorry someone said to that to her. Just awful 🙁
Thank you for this great article, Lindsey! You hit the nail on the head. Please know that you are in my prayers and have a special place in my heart.
Thank you, Tina. I appreciate your kind words and prayers so very much!