Last week marked 12 years…

12 years ago on April 27th, we should have welcomed our baby, Eden, into this world. 

Instead, we grieved. 

And then, three months later, we doubled our grief when we lost another baby. 

That year and the next, we lost 4 babies that we couldn’t wait to hold. 

We battled secondary infertility for several years.

We did the specialist appts, the medications, the prayers, all the things…

And yet, we never had another biological child. 

I didn’t send an email last week because I needed a bit to process. 

Now, this week, in memory of Eden, Jesse, Ella, and Jadon (the babies we lost), I wanted to share with you 12 lessons I’ve learned about grief in the last 12 years. 

12 Lessons On Grief: 

1. Grief isn’t a one and done kind of thing. Even now, 12 years later, there are still songs that bring me right back. Sure, I don’t cry every time I hear them now, but they still sting. 

2. Grief is different for everyone. So don’t judge your grief based on how someone else handled theirs. 

3. There is no timeline on grief. It does not make someone weak to grieve longer or vice versa. Grief is intensely personal. 

4. Grief isn’t reserved for people. I’ve had to grieve a lot more than just the babies we lost. I also grieved the life I imagined living, the fact that I couldn’t carry another child in my own body, the disappointment I felt toward God, and so much more. 

5. Grief brings with it a whole heck of a lot of very ugly emotions. It’s not just sadness. 

6. All of the emotions (see point 5) that come with grief are okay to feel. Let yourself feel them. For a long time, I didn’t let myself feel anger toward God. But ya know what? He can handle it. He’s big enough. Plus, he’s the one who created emotion in the first place. AND he already knows what we’re feeling, so there’s no sense in hiding it. 

7. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Your grief is exactly that – YOURS! 

8. Grief is the result of love. If we didn’t love so deeply, then we wouldn’t grieve. But don’t let the fear of grief keep you from loving deeply. 

9. You don’t ever “get over” the loss of someone you love, but you do learn to move forward in life without them. 

10. People say a lot of very unhelpful things when someone is grieving…but they do mean well. They just don’t know how to help. 

11. One of the best ways to love a person who is grieving – in my experience – is to do something practical for them. Bring them a meal. Clean the dishes in their sink. Don’t just say, “Let me know how I can help” because a grieving person can’t often think of anything except their “right now.” Instead, just tell them, “I’m bringing over X for you tonight. Is that okay?” 

12. Another key way to help is to remember. The grieving person won’t forget, and it’s so nice when others remember their loved one too. 

Are there any other lessons you have learned in your own life?

I’d love to hear them. Leave a comment below!