Dear woman who lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth,

Here are a few things I want you to know.

Dear Woman Who Lost a Baby (To Miscarriage or Stillbirth),

First of all, I’m so very sorry for your loss. And it is a loss. It’s a real loss. Just as real as if your baby had been one…or two…or twenty-five.

You lost a baby. A child you loved.

Don’t let anyone minimize that loss for you. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you shouldn’t feel sad or angry or lost or devastated.

Someone else doesn’t get to decide how you should feel about losing your baby. 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve this loss.

You might know some women who didn’t seem upset about their miscarriage (and maybe you’re wondering why you’re struggling so much). That’s okay. Or you might know other women who were devastated (and maybe you’re wondering why you’re not as sad as they were). That’s okay too.

How you grieve your miscarriage or stillbirth is how you grieve. There’s no formula or correct way to do it. Give yourself grace.

The second thing I want you to know is you’re not alone. 

Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I have lost 4. And though our situations are likely different, there is something powerful about knowing someone else “gets it.” At least somewhat.

She might not completely understand what you’re going through (because, honestly, no one can ever completely understand how someone else feels because she is not the same person). But she can at least relate.

And I promise you, whatever you are feeling is not abnormal or wrong. Someone else in a similar situation has most definitely felt these same things.

Are you feeling lost? I’ve been there.

Are you feeling angry? Been there too.

Are you feeling like you should be “over it” by now? I’ve felt that (and since then learned you might never “get over” a loss like this. Accept it, yes, but not “get over it.”)

Whatever you are feeling is okay. You are not abnormal or weird. You’re not alone.

Another thing I want you to know is that it does get easier. 

Like I said before, you might not ever “get over it.” But you will feel joy again. You will learn to accept the new normal. You will get to a place where the hard days are fewer than the good.

Hang in there, my friend. You will get through this.

One final thing I want you to know…

I don’t get it. I don’t understand why God allows a miscarriage or stillbirth. I’ve been battling with the “why” question for years, and I still don’t have an answer.

I don’t understand why God doesn’t always answer our prayers like we want Him to.

But I do know this…God hasn’t left you. He adores you and your baby. And I believe with all of my heart that somehow, He is going to bring about something good from this awfulness. He is an expert at turning around devastating things. He’s done it for me, and I know He will do it for you too.

Hugs and prayers to you, my friend.

During this week 6 years ago, I said goodbye to the first baby of four that I lost.

I’m a different person now than I was back then. I’m no longer blissfully naive about pregnancy loss. I no longer assume certain hard things are “off limits” for God to allow.

In some ways, I don’t like this new person I am. I don’t like being somewhat cynical. I don’t like that I don’t seem to have as much faith that God is going to fix things like I used to. I miss the happy go-lucky person I used to be. The one who wasn’t as afraid.

But, in other ways, the changes God has done in me have been good. I’m more empathetic now and more compassionate. Crying with someone is no longer difficult for me to do. God has used my pain to soften my heart, because like I said, He is an expert at bringing good from bad things.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. People all over the world will light candles to remember the babies they lost.

I will light 5…four candles for my Eden, Jesse, Ella, and Jadon…and one candle for you. I’m thinking of you this weekend and remembering your precious little one with you.

He or she is not forgotten, and you are not alone.

*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.

It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.

*Want to read some of my other posts on miscarriage? Here are some of the most popular ones:

Why It’s Not “Just” A Miscarriage

Difficult Days For Miscarriage Survivors (and why you need to know about them)

How to Memorialize a Baby You Never Met

Loving the Woman Who Wants a Baby But Doesn’t Have One

Why I Can’t Seem to Get Past My Miscarriages

6 Things NOT To Say When Someone is Hurting (and what to say instead)