What can we do when God doesn’t answer prayers like we want Him to?

I have prayed for one specific thing for six years. This year, I stopped praying for it.

And it’s not because God gave me the thing for which I prayed. Instead, it’s because I’ve finally accepted (as best as someone can accept, I guess) the reality that it doesn’t look like He’s going to answer my prayers like I wanted Him to.

Those of you who know me also know my story. You know what I’ve been praying for. But for any new readers out there, here are the cliff notes.

Six years ago, when my oldest child was 2, we lost a baby at 12 weeks. (That anniversary is coming up, in fact. October 15th-You are never forgotten, dear Eden.) Three months later, on New Years Day, I woke up and took a pregnancy test.

Positive!

At that moment, I knew God was going to redeem the previous few months. 2010 had been our year of loss. 2011 was going to be our year of redemption.

But I was wrong. Not even three hours later, I started losing baby #2. The year that began so beautifully quickly faded.

And we grieved…again.

Six months later, we lost baby #3. One year after that, we lost baby #4.

As much as I wanted to carry a baby in my womb, after that fourth loss, it didn’t look like that was going to happen. And honestly, I didn’t know if I could handle any more.

We had to stop, so that’s what we did….for a time.

Do you know what it’s like to give up on a dream? Do you know what it’s like to watch God answer other peoples’ prayers while yours seem to only hit the ceiling?

It felt like I was stuck in the grief cycle.

Some days I thought I was “better,” (though honestly, I don’t think you ever get completely “better,” but that’s another post that maybe I’ll write on another day).

Other days, something would trigger the pain, and I’d be right back where I started….grieving the babies I would never get to meet this side of heaven, longing for God to fill my arms with a cuddly newborn, and wondering why we couldn’t get our rainbow baby as so many others did.

I tried to let it go and give up the dream, but I couldn’t. There was still this deep longing in my heart to grow our family.

After about a year, we became foster parents, hoping to adopt through that.

That was two years and two babies ago. Both of these beloved kiddos left our home…and took a piece of my heart with them.

Last month, we got rid of our baby stuff.

You wouldn’t think that little thing would be hard, but it was. I think it was so hard because it was me finally saying, “Okay. I give. I’m ready to accept your ‘no’, God.” *

And that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to accept God’s answer, even though it hasn’t been the answer we wanted.

We wanted Him to allow our pregnancies to progress. He didn’t.

We wanted Him to provide another child through adoption. He didn’t.

I still don’t get it. I don’t understand why God gave other women in similar situations “miracle babies” but didn’t do the same for me. I don’t understand why He didn’t provide us with a baby to adopt who needed a home.

But maybe I’m not supposed to understand.

Maybe instead, I’m just supposed to say, “Okay, God. I give. I accept your will for my life, even if I don’t understand it or even like it at the moment.”

This post isn’t going to offer any answers. If you’re stuck in a hard place and feel like God isn’t giving you the answers you long for, I don’t have a simple solution or a 3-step process to help you accept it.

What I do know is this…Three years ago, I wasn’t ready to accept God’s answer. And I most certainly wasn’t ready to accept it and still love the God that was in control. But somehow…through grief, time, God’s patient understanding with my struggles, and maybe a variety of other things….I’m there now.

I don’t like it. I don’t understand it. But most days, I think I’m to a place where I can accept it as reality.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still feel sad. I do. I still grieve those babies. I still want to be pregnant and feel a little one squirm in my belly. Those of you who have experienced this with no problem have no idea how much of a blessing that feeling is. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and baby showers. But most days, I’m okay.

And you’ll get there too. Be patient with yourself if God’s not answering your prayers like you want Him to. Let yourself grieve whatever it is you’ve lost. Allow yourself to feel the hard things.

Because I can promise you, if I can get to a place where I’m mostly okay with my situation, you can too.

It is possible to go days without crying. It is possible to feel joyful after loss. It is possible to be content in a life that doesn’t look like you thought it would.

It’s possible, and it’s in your future. Hang in there.

*Please don’t tell us that we are not showing enough faith by giving up this dream. And please don’t tell us that now that we’ve stopped pursuing this, we will get pregnant. Because two things….one, you don’t know the future. Not everyone who stops trying to get pregnant, does. And two, we are showing more faith by letting this dream go than by clinging to it. We are showing faith in a God who doesn’t always give us the things we want. We are showing that we have faith IN HIM…not in what He can do for us. Sorry for the rant. I’m done now 🙂

*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.

It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.