Are you looking for a way to memorialize a baby you never met? Then read on…
My first miscarriage was two and a half years ago. We just passed what should have been that baby’s second birthday.
Since then, I’ve miscarried three more times. (You can read about my second one here, my third one here, and my fourth one here.)
Last Sunday, our preaching minister shared some wise words: “Time doesn’t heal things. God does.”
The problem, though, is that God doesn’t always heal things quickly. At least not for me.
I still feel broken.
I still feel empty.
I still cry. A lot.
I want steps to fix things. Tell me what to do to feel happy again, and I’ll do it. Give me a list, and I’ll finish it in a week.
But grief doesn’t work like that.
There are some days I feel great. Like myself again.
But there are other days I struggle. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I wish life were different. I question why God didn’t step in and fix anything. Why he gives other people their dreams but not me. Why he’s able but not willing…
I hope it gets easier. I hope he’s right: that God will heal my heart eventually.
Until then…I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Be thankful for my good days but deal with the bad.
Last week had several bad days, but there was one thing that brightened my spirits. (Well, it actually brought me to tears, but they were good tears. Therapeutic tears.)
Our fourth baby’s name was written in the sand at sunset. It would mean the world to me if you would go visit her name.
There’s just something about seeing your child’s name that feels right. It’s not the same as holding him or her, of course, but it’s therapeutic nonetheless. A healing balm to your broken heart.
If you’ve never lost a baby, this whole thing might not make sense to you. But for those of us who have lost children, seeing your baby’s name somewhere is kind of like showing off baby pictures. We don’t have physical pictures to show off (at least I don’t), so this is our way of showing him or her off to the world.
It’s our way of telling everyone he or she did exist. Their little life (though short) did matter. It meant something.
I found this blog after our first miscarriage, and have now gone to it after each of our losses.
If you’re looking for a way to memorialize a child you have lost, I highly recommend this site. She writes name in the sand (or hearts or whatever you want), and then posts the pictures on her website. It’s free, but you have the option of buying the image.
Seeing your baby’s name doesn’t fix your pain (oh, how I wish it did), but it’s a beautiful way to memorialize them nonetheless. To do something to celebrate their life.
I love you, Jadon. You are not-and will never be-forgotten.
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
*Though I originally wrote this post a few years back, it still rings just as true today.
Thank you for sharing all of this! Miscarriage is so hard. My pregnancy and miscarriage were very unexpected this past July and I’m still trying to heal.
Can you send me a link to the woman’s page. I’d love to do something like that for my angel baby. I clicked on your links but was t able to navigate through her site.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking losses. It is such an incredibly painful thing to go though … I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through it more than once.
I wrote a post a few weeks back on how women process miscarriage grief and preserve the memory of their babies. It was emotionally exhausting to put together, but I also felt so much passion flowing through me as I wrote it, hoping desperately it would help someone.
You can read that post here: https://mamarissa.com/how-to-process-miscarriage-grief-and-preserve-babys-memory-from-mamas-whove-been-there/
Hugs to all the mamas of miscarried babies <3
I’ve had 4 miscarriages in my life. The first one was when I was 22 I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks brought on when my partner at the time would dissappear for days, it was so bad I couldnt breath was in a really bad place in my life that when I thought I could be pregnant I didnt want to even know because it made me even more scared so I didnt confirm I was prgnnt until I was miscarrying. Which was so painful to me. I met my current boyfriend in 2013 and between 2014 and 2017 we had 3 miscarriages which we grieved for so long, I have fallen into a slight depression im sure because at times I feel ok although it took me time to get away from the incredible anger and hate I felt whenever I saw a woman with her baby or a pregnant woman that feeling got lighter I still suffer from anger at times and I feel that this life was not meant for me instead its in heaven where I will find happiness, I would never hurt myself I just dont care about my life at times…. And my boyfriend well although were still together it has been very hard because he fell into drug use real bad and thats where we are at now… He has always wanted a baby w/ me and unfortunatley it doesnt look like thats Gods plan. Specially w his drug use it cant but I dont even think that matters at the moment his life is what matters and he doesnt seem to care. 💔💔💔 so this has been our journey a very hard journey. There is not a day that goes vy that I dont pray for my babiestill I can hold them in heaven. Those moments which I held them inside me were the best moments of our life, and I am so grateful to God he allowed me to have them even if it was for such a short time but forever in my heart..
I miscarried in 2001. I have mourned that baby’s loss every day since. We found out through expensive failed invetro that I could never have children. I am greatful I was able to get pregnant once, even though he didn’t make it into this world, he is with Jesus and I’ll get to have my son for all eternity. I know in my soul the baby was a boy. I find that God never heals you, he helps you get through it. The worst times I find is Mother’s Day and being around women who have the attitude that you’ve never had children so you don’t know anything or understand. That I find is the most gut wrenching pain that I get to carry with me till I die and go to be with my Lord & Savior and meet my son. It’s sad people don’t stop to think about that.
Thank you for this, I am so glad I happened to stumble across your blog today, I have lost 3 children over the last 6 months. Once over thanksgiving, one over christmas, and due to it being an ectopic pregnancy one yesterday. They all were traumatic but this last one was the hardest because although medically necessary I had to make the decision to end the pregnancy. It’s really fresh and I find myself constantly questioning why, why me? I am going to check your bible study out to see if it will work for me. Im so sorry for your losses! I know the pain all to well and I will never wish it on anyone.
I lost a 28 week preemie, miss her today like I missed her the first day..
Since she lived only 9 hours and was flown to a hospital several hours away and I was in ICU, I never got to meet her. That was in 1975, have had many dreams about her. We raised three older daughters and I made sure they knew about their little sister.
Now I’ve had headstone made to be placed under her Dad’s. Hoping this gives me some closure finally.
Thank you for sharing this website. I’m hearing impaired mother. In 2010-2012 Me and my husband lost our third miscarriages in the past. It’s was very devastating for both of us in those times. Then on October 11th 2014 my husband has passed away in a car wrecked he hit the deer when he was on his way to work. I missed my babies and I missed my husband more than ever. Yes grieving is so overwhelming on and off. These babies of mine and my husband’s death then my world has stop. It’s not easy to let them go but I carried them in my heart and they are dear and sorely missed in my heart. Here’s what I go check those two resource website in the past that I surf and it’s helps me out. And I suggest y’all to check the website called RememberingOurBabies.net (in loving memory of miscarriage awareness day on October 15th) and http://www.griefshare.org (800-395-5755).
My sister in law is devastated its the first trimester and has taken the test to find out and its official theres something wrong and the baby wont be making it thru full pregnancy…. she has 2 toddlers and i want to do something for her or say something but were not close at all so i dont know how to console her i just know she has made it clear this is a topic to not talk about
I’m so very sorry for your sister-in-law 🙁 But I’m so glad you care enough about her (even if you aren’t that close) to want to do something. Everyone handles miscarriage differently. Some want to talk about it. Others refuse. The best thing you can do is just to love her and pray for her. Hugs to you and thank you for your big heart.
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This is terrific. Thank you so much. I lost my only baby on December 17, 2012 and I grieve him everyday. I have good days buy; I have a lot of bad days. We tried for 20 years to get pregnant; he is our little miracle from God. He was diagnosed with Full Trisomy 18 in my 11th week. He went to heaven on 12/17/12; and I delivered him sleeping on 12/19/12. I miss my little Bryce Halen everyday.
Bryce Halen, what a beautiful name. Hugs and prayers coming your way, Mary.
We went to http://www.heavensgain.com to memorialize our baby. I highly recommend them if the idea is appealing. They were the absolute sweetest people to deal with and our sweet child’s urn is displayed in our living room with a plaque with the name on it. I love being able to look at it every day.
I hadn’t heard of this one before. Thank you for sharing!
I have yet to find a story that resembles my own experiences. I’m a father whom lost a planned, wanted and loved child to my fiancé decision to have an (hate this word!) abortion. I will never understand why she changed her mind and went against my every plea to “what was right for her”.
As I father there is many confusing and mixed reactions about my loss. Not reaction is comforting. There is nothing you can say. I loved my fiancé and her two kids she already was blessed with. We were planning our wedding and family honeymoon. She got pregnant sooner than we thought, but it was nothing we couldn’t work around. A minor complication in timing.
The feeling of my first time to conceive a baby was euphoric. Nothing was going to keep me from being a good husband and dad. I don’t like to talk about details around the “a”. I don’t label my baby the way their life ended. I have to honor, love and remember the life we created.
Your blog was the first one I was able to read to completion. I have different feelings as a father in a different senario. However, I felt some words were descriptive of a universal feeling of empty loss.
Since my loss I haven’t seen my family at all. I still miss and love them. The thought of my fiancé walking in a clinic with our baby and walking out without it was too sickening to try to salvage the relationship. As I dad I over an overwhelming feeling that I failed as a father. I failed to protect my family and make them feel secure. Forgetting, dismissing or de-valuing my baby was never an option. If I had fail as a father I would not live with being a coward. It’s a triple taboo. The unborn loss, the mother right to choose and the aftermath in support of her. As I was not allowed to love or honor our life we created.
I am often confused and do what I can to remain healthy. I still have the same feelings like it happen yesterday. I still see dads with their families and have such a deep sadness. My closest friends and family had mixed feelings. Mostly, they avoid the subject. A better future or a reason is always thrown into the equation as to simply replaced everyone.
I made a video of me writing a letter to my baby. I wanted it to be special and this became an way to channel my love in a way that would honor the life. The words I chose came effortless. It was perfect. I filmed myself as I wrote it then went back and made it into what you see. It was my raw and natural feelings. I want to thank you for the bravery to share your real life. As a man it’s not always so easy to do or always well received.
I know my heart was full of love and there will always be a empty spot in my heart. If you wish you can watch my video. It was the harest thing I ever done and the very thing that I’m most proud of. I might not always know what I’m feeling. I am never confused by my love a father has for his child. My condolences for your loss.
http://youtu.be/HhY4NcQwa8U
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It's such a beautiful tribute, Lindsey. And thank you for sharing it with other hurting families.
What a beautiful post. I have several friends who've had miscarriages, so I've heard what they say about it. Several of my friends have named their babies who died before birth and have a day when they remember/celebrate the baby. The name in the sand idea is cool. I'll check it out and maybe pass the site on to them. Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the Write Mama blog hop.