If you’re looking for tips on how best to love a woman in your life who wants a baby but doesn’t have one, read on…
Mother’s Day is a unique holiday for me. On the one hand, I have two children I adore. I love opening their presents. I love hearing my four-year-old whisper in my ear, “We got a surprise for you, Mommy,” and then watching his face light up as I open the gift.
But the truth is, I also have four babies waiting for me in heaven. Mother’s Day is one of those days that reminds me just how much I miss them.
I wanted to write a post and speak to those of you mothers who have never lost a child or dealt with infertility.
Here’s the thing. With my first pregnancy, I was the mom who had no idea how hard miscarriages or infertility were. We had no problem getting pregnant, and my baby was healthy. That first Mother’s Day was wonderful.
I was oblivious to the fact that hundreds of women out there were dreading the same day I celebrated.
I even had friends dealing with miscarriages and infertility and still had no idea just how much my actions were affecting their hearts.
Now, I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to long to hold a child you’ve never met. I know what it’s like to visit infertility doctors and walk away with little hope. I know what’s it like to mourn a day that others celebrate.
And I feel as though it’s my duty to share what I’ve learned. I’ve been on both sides. In a way, I still am.
Here are some ways for you–the mother who has never lost a child–to love on the woman longing for one:
1. Be a listening ear if she wants to talk.
But please, don’t act like you know what she is going through. As much as you want to understand, you don’t. And that’s okay. Just listen and love.
2. Do something unexpected for her (like flowers, a meal, a sack of candy, etc.).
3. Pray for her (and let her know you prayed).
4. Refrain from complaining about your life.
I know life with little ones can be hard. Believe me, I feel that way often. But she would give anything to have your problems. She longs to have someone keep her up at night, drool on her new outfit, or throw a tantrum at the store. The things you hate about your life…she wishes she had.
I’m not saying you can never share your difficulties or you need to walk on eggshells around her. She doesn’t want you to worry every time you are around her. Just be aware of her hurts, and be sensitive to them.
At the same time, though, don’t apologize for your children. They are a blessing, and she doesn’t want you to feel bad for having them. She just wishes she had kids too.
5. If she has lost children, remember them with her.
Don’t be afraid to bring them up, thinking it will open a wound that has already healed. Believe me, she is already thinking about them. You bringing them up shows you care…and you remember.
6. Think before you post on Facebook.
Seeing pregnancy announcements or joyous baby photographs after babyloss is really difficult. It’s not that we aren’t happy for you. It’s just that your joy reminds us of our loss. It reminds us just how much we are missing. I’m not asking you to never post anything about your child. Not at all. Again, your children are a blessing.
All I’m asking is that you think about us.
Think about the woman who has been told she’ll never have children.
Think about the young lady who just lost another baby to miscarriage.
Think about the couple whose adoption fell through.
Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday, and I hope you’ll reach out to these women around you.
This is a holiday to celebrate you (and you deserve it), but please don’t forget them.
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
*Image courtesy: freedigitalphotos.net
Thank you for these words. So hard to express the pain and my needs. I forwarded to my husband!
So glad the post was helpful. Hugs and prayers to you today.
I just want to say thank you. Your post mean so much to me. I went through my miscarriage basically alone. The father went out drinking for his birthday as I laid on the floor and cried. I called my mother, who didn’t know i was pregnant, and my best friend to take me to the hospital because I just knew something was wrong. I have good days but today my best friend found out she was pregnant, we were pregnant together the first time. My baby isn’t here and hers is and now shes on baby # 2 and my heart hurts today….
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I'm so glad God finally gave you the child you longed for. But yes, you're right. Going through something like that does change your perspective. Blessings to you.
Thank you for posting. I've been on both sides. Last year, I spent Mother's Day at DisneyWorld, childless but happy my adoption home study was complete. I had just gone through six failed fertility treatments and surgery. Little did I know that weeks later, I would find out I was pregnant. This year, I celebrate Mother's Day with my son, but I definitely feel for all those who are unfertile, have lost little ones, or who have lost their mother.
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Thanks so much for the kind words, Kristi. I wish no one understood how I feel but unfortunately, I'm learning that many do. Praying for you.
This is great. The past couple of years I have learned the power of words in a whole new way, so much of what you stated are my thoughts exactly. Thanks for posting this.
I'm embarrassed to admit that this is the first time I have ever read any of your posts (I am NOT a reader), but I'm so glad I did. I appreciate your honesty. I am guilty of #5 as I just assume you would rather not even have people bring up the topic of your lost angels. Thank you for allowing God to use you as a voice for so many women.
Thanks so much, Merrie. You are always so encouraging. I missed you this year at the conference.
I know this was difficult to write, but I'm so glad you did. It is so needed. Hugs to you, my sweet little sister-in-the-Lord.