For a long time after our miscarriages, I wanted to know why. Why did God allow them? Why us? Why didn’t He fix whatever was causing them? After we adopted our youngest, I thought I got my why.

It all made sense to me. God allowed our miscarriages because he had  a child in mind for our family and knew our  miscarriages would open the door for that adoption.

Having that why didn’t make the grief go away, but it helped me, I guess. It took a bit of the sting away. If nothing else, it helped me understand what I thought had been inaction from God. He wasn’t, in fact, ignoring me. He simply knew something I didn’t.

Having a why helped.

Unfortunately, about a year after our adoption was final, that why disappeared. 

My husband and I decided at that time that we wanted to try one more time for a biological child. This time, though, we visited a fertility specialist first. They ran a ton of tests and didn’t find anything wrong. They also put me on several “just in case” medicines to hopefully help prevent a miscarriage.

When we found out we were expecting again, we went every single week to a specialist. We drove two hours weekly for ultrasounds, hoping this time would be different…hoping that since we understood why the other three miscarriages happened (or thought we understood), that this one would “stick.”

At about seven weeks, we saw a strong heartbeat and our specialist was hopeful. “Everything looks great,” she told us. She even told us we didn’t need to come back the following week because she thought this one was going to progress well.

I remember going out to lunch that day after the ultrasound and talking with Keith.

“No matter what happens with this pregnancy,” I told him, “I don’t think I can do this again.” 

There was so much fear in those months. So. Much. Fear.

I remember thinking, day after day after day, Is this going to be the day we lose another one? I lived in this perpetual state of waiting for the bottom to drop out….for the miscarriage to start…for the pain to return.

So that day after our ultrasound, we decided that no matter what, we were done trying to have a biological child. We didn’t want to live in fear anymore.

We didn’t want to miss the blessings that were right in front of us because of the fear that surrounded us.

About three or four weeks later, a few days before Thanksgiving, we lost that baby too.  (I still struggle with the timing of that one. Days before Thanksgiving…when I was supposed to be giving thanks. But that’s another post for another day…)

We said goodbye to the fourth baby we couldn’t wait to hold.

And with that fourth miscarriage, my why disappeared. 

When You Ask God Why…and He Doesn’t Tell You

I thought God allowed the first three miscarriages so our hearts would be open to adoption. But after we lost our fourth, that didn’t make as much sense. I was back to feeling confused and hurt and so very lost.

That fourth miscarriage was in some ways harder than some of the others for a variety of reasons. Primarily, though, it was harder because it was the end.

God didn’t fix our problem. (Or at least, He didn’t fix it in the conventional meaning of the word.) I would not be one of those people who could say, “But look how God healed me!”

God didn’t fix it for us.

He didn’t put a pretty bow on our story. We lost a fourth baby and didn’t ever get our “rainbow baby.”

It was hard. Very hard.

But do you know what?

God is still good. And even though we didn’t get the pretty story with the perfect ending, we still have found a lot of beauty in our story.

One thing God impressed on me recently is that not everyone gets their prayers answered in ways they want them answered.

Sometimes, people don’t get better. Sometimes, people die. Sometimes, marriages fall apart. Sometimes, God doesn’t fix things for us.

Nonetheless, God is still good, and He needs people who don’t get everything fixed to say that.

So that’s what I’m doing.

God is still good, even when He doesn’t fix your problem.

God has still been moving in our lives. Our story wasn’t over that Thanksgiving week. And there’s more of it coming next week. Stay tuned.