Last month marked 10 years from our first miscarriage (of 4). It was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In memory of the babies we lost, I decided to share some of the most important things I’ve learned about miscarriage. I shared all of this on Facebook, but I know things easily get missed there so I wanted to make a one-stop-shop here as well. This is what you might have missed. Scroll down to the bottom of this post for my Facebook Live, where I answered miscarriage questions live.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 1:
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. All this week, I’ll be sharing informative posts to help people who haven’t ever experienced a
#miscarriage understand it a little better.
Because when we understand better, we love others better. Did you know that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? Experts suspect it’s actually even higher than that, because many women miscarry before they even realize they are pregnant. I am 1 in 4. (Actually, I’m 4 in 5 if we’re being specific.) My guess is, many of you are too…At the very least, you know people who are. #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 2:
Someone once said to me after one of our miscarriages that it was “just a miscarriage” and implied I needed to get over it already. It’s rarely “just a miscarriage.” For many people, it is much, much more. It’s the loss of a child they couldn’t wait to hold. It’s the loss of a dream. It’s the guilt, thinking maybe they did something to cause it. It’s the fear that comes with any future pregnancies….Please read this post where I explain even more why a #miscarriage is so much more than “just a miscarriage.” https://www.lindseymbell.com/why-its-not-just-a-miscarriage/ #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 3:
There were so many people after each of our 4 miscarriages that I know wanted to help but said the wrong thing because they honestly just didn’t know what to say. The truth is, sometimes, it’s better to just not say anything when someone is grieving than to say something that could inadvertently make their pain worse.
Here are a few things I would suggest you NOT say to someone after they miscarry a child:
1. God needed your child more than you did. (No, He didn’t. My God is much bigger than that.)
2. You just have to trust God’s plan… or, you just have to trust God’s timing. (Though there is an element of truth to this-we do need to trust God-this is not the time to say it. This is the time to let us be sad or mad or upset.)
3. You should be thankful for what you do have. (Again, there’s an element of truth to this. We should have an attitude of gratitude. But sometimes, it’s okay to just be upset. A grieving person needs to grieve.)
4. The next pregnancy will be different. (How do you know? So many people told me this after my first, second, and third miscarriage. And they were wrong. The next one might not be different. You don’t know)
5. At least you weren’t further along. (A loss is a loss. Don’t minimize someone’s loss just because it was early).
6. Everything happens for a reason. (This might be true, but maybe that reason is just because we live in a broken world and bad things happen all the time.)
7. Have you tried…? (This one is tough, because you might have information that could really help someone have a healthy pregnancy later on…but right after a miscarriage is not the time to discuss it with them. People need to grieve. Let them.)
This list isn’t all-encompassing. I’m sure there are many more things you shouldn’t say after a
#miscarriage but hopefully this gives you a start.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 4:
I never wanted to be an expert on how to help someone through a
#miscarriage. I think that’s a role no one wants to have. But on the flip side, since I went through 4 back-to-back miscarriages in the span of about 2 years, I’m glad that I can be a voice and help others understand.
A few years ago, right around Mother’s Day, I wrote a post about some ways that you can love someone who has recently lost a baby. You can read that post here.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 5:
A miscarriage is one of those things that a lot of people don’t want to talk about. For me, I had to talk (or in my case, write) about ours to work through them. Writing was therapy for me.
Today, in light of National #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness day, I wanted to share a post I wrote a few years back called What Miscarriage Survivors Want You To Know. If you’ve never had a miscarriage, please read this post. Because like I said the other day, when we understand better, we can love better.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Post 6:
A lot of people who have recently gone through a miscarriage message me to ask what helped me heal after our miscarriages. It’s so hard because miscarriages aren’t always talked about that much. And they aren’t always understood by others. Sometimes, people going through a miscarriage feel completely alone and they just feel stuck. I wanted to share a post today for anyone reading this who might feel that way. Here are 5 things that helped me after our miscarriages.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Facebook Live:
In this Facebook Live, I answered various questions that were sent in to me from people who wanted to know more about how to help people who have gone through a miscarriage or who are going through one themselves.
Want to know more about how I worked through my miscarriages?
If you’d like to know more about the faith challenges that come with grief and recurrent miscarriages, check out my book, Unbeaten, where I share even more of the lessons God taught me:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MXZG3CZ/
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