Every year in October, I write about miscarriages and miscarriage survivors. I do this because in October of 2010, my husband and I lost our first baby to miscarriage. Writing about miscarriage is something I do as a tribute to the four babies we lost. You might not have ever met them, but they existed, and I am a different person today because of their short little lives.
I also write about miscarriages this month because October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
The post below is something I wrote in 2011, after our third miscarriage. I’m reposting today because I think it’s something those of us who haven’t gone through miscarriages need to know.
What Miscarriage Survivors Want You to Know
This year (2011) has been a learning year for me. I’ve learned about suffering, faith, pain, friendship. But probably more than anything else, I’ve learned about miscarriages and how babyloss affects those going through it.
Here are a few things we want you, if you’ve never gone through one before, to know.
1. We all handle it differently.
Just because one woman shares openly about her miscarriage doesn’t mean another woman will do the same. In fact, one woman might react differently to different miscarriages, talking openly about the first loss and shutting down with the next.
No one way to grieve is right. No one way is wrong.
2. Just because we don’t talk about our baby doesn’t mean we don’t hurt.
A couple of days, in particular, are painful for many women who have lost babies to miscarriage: the due date, the anniversary of loss, Thanksgiving, Christmas, other special holidays, and October 15th (National Infant Loss Remembrance Day).
3. Another child will never replace the one (or ones) we lost.
I have a biological son, whom I delivered before any of my miscarriages. Having him doesn’t make my miscarriages any less painful. We also adopted another son. We are thrilled about him and so thankful he is in our family. Nonetheless, his presence doesn’t make me miss my other babies any less.
4. It’s never okay to tell someone when it’s time for them to “move on.”
If they need to grieve, let them. Regardless of how you think they should react. You are not in their shoes, so you don’t get to decide how or for how long someone grieves.
5. If you want to help, one of the best ways to do so is by remembering the child with the parent.
Don’t offer words of wisdom (believe me, she’ll have plenty of people doing this). Don’t give advice. Just listen to her, tell her you love her, and remember with her.
6. Babies are babies, no matter how small.
One of my miscarriages occurred at 12 weeks, another at 9, and another at 6. In two of them, we saw heartbeats. In one, we didn’t. I love each of these babies equally.
A longer pregnancy might be more painful (both physically and emotionally because the mother has had more time to plan for the child), but an early loss is a loss nonetheless.
Don’t treat an early loss like it’s not a babyloss. It IS!
And finally, if you want to know what to say, read over this list. And this one. It might give you some ideas.
To those of you who have miscarried, what else do you want people to know about babyloss?
i lost my baby at 5 weeks. 2nd of September. i lost it as a teen and i never really told anyone about it apart from my grandmother and aunty. my grandmother has tried her best to help me but my aunty has two baby twins and isn’t much help. she said it was small and not to think about it like a baby. and i think that broke me more than it should have. it was a small thing that could’ve grown into something. and although the timing and the circumstances were bad, i grieve this baby so much. it’s been over a year and i still cry every single night. i dream about her growing up with me being a mother to her but my great grandmother always takes her away from me at the end. hence the reason i named her Dominga after her. i always assumed it was a girl. just always got that feeling. my uncle had twins too and one of them died due to premature birth. and we all celebrate her loss. i love my cousin. i really do. but i start to feel jealous that we don’t recognise my baby in that way. i know it’s not about the recognition. but i need the support sometimes and although my grandmother and aunty know, they just don’t give me the support i need. and it usually ends up making me feel worse. it’s so hard and i don’t think it’s ever gonna get better for me because i’m just not strong enough. i applaud all of the amazing women who have been through a loss. because it’s been the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do in my life. and i think that a lot of people feel the same. keep fighting x
I wish people would remember that I’m not the same person I was before the loss – and I never will be. I had friends (best and close friends who have never experienced the loss of a baby) tell me that they felt my “spirit was broken” and I “was different.” OF COURSE I’m different! And my spirit isn’t broken – but my heart is. Miscarriage leaves a scar on your heart that never goes away.
I agree, Kayla. I’m a totally different person now than I was before our losses. Grief changes a person. Hugs, my friend. And thank you for sharing.
I agree. I have just gone through a miscarriage this past week. It has changed me. I will never be the same again.
Oh, Lori. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers coming your way, my friend.
A close friend and I were pregnant at the same time. I lost my baby the day after Easter last year. I feel like she was SO there for me until she expected me to be over it. and when she saw that I wasn’t over it she took it personally. The truth is I couldn’t stand to see her while she was pregnant and watching her belly grow was excruciating for me. Im ashamed to say I asked her no questions about the pregnancy at all, it was hard enough to see her and swallow the bad feelings. I saw the baby the one time after he was born but it’s like our friendship is over now. I didn’t expect the approaching anniversary to start these horrible feelings all over again but here we are; looking for ways to talk about this anonymously so the shame can’t possibly follow me to church, friends houses, playgrounds….and I’m so angry at my husband because this baby was a surprise and he doesn’t want to try again. So I pretty much have to go through this alone. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and I want my baby back….
Thank you for being here, it means so much! And for acknowledging the anniversary of the loss, it’s completely taken me by surprise
Jennifer
Baby Hope
Lost at 6 wks, April 6th 2015
I lost a baby at 8 weeks. I found out I was pregnant June 19th and on the 23rd I was no longer expecting, the same day two of my cousins found out they were pregnant and were posting all
over social media, their due around early February 2016, the same time my baby was due.
I’m so very sorry for your loss 🙁 It does make it so much harder when those who are close to you are expecting. You’re happy for them, but it’s a constant reminder of your loss…
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so true about grieving differently! My first loss was an early 5 week loss (only knew I was pregnant for six days) and I cried for like a day and really was fine. Felt guilty for being fine honestly. The ectopic, on the other hand, threw me like crazy! I wasn't that much farther along, but I still think it was the fact that I "let" them kill my baby. I signed permission for the procedure that saved my life by ending the pregnancy. How does one forget that?