What do you do when your faith grows stagnant? When you want to feel close to God…but you just don’t? 

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11 years ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage, and that one life event began a journey that I’m still on today. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up to right after that miscarriage. 

I remember thinking at that time that as painful as that miscarriage was, I knew God would bring good out of it. I wholeheartedly believed Romans 8:28, which says, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him.” 

After that miscarriage, I was determined to remain faithful. Even though I was hurting. Even though I was grieving. I was determined to keep my head up and show the world that God was still good. 

Then, 3 months after that first miscarriage, we had a second miscarriage. On New Years Day, no less. Nothing like a huge blow to kick off a New Year, right?

I had questions after that second miscarriage. And, if I’m being completely honest, I also had a lot of anger. I could understand God allowing one miscarriage, but two?

The way the miscarriage happened – I took a pregnancy test and then hours later began to miscarry – made it even more painful. 

If I had only waited to take that test, I would have never known. 

Then, 6 months later, we had a third miscarriage.

I think it was probably after that third loss that I started asking even more hard questions. Questions like, “How could a good God allow 3 miscarriages in less than a year’s time?” 

Maybe you’ve asked a similar question…..How could a good God allow THIS? How could a God who says He loves me still let THIS happen to me? 

How could a good God allow THIS? 

One year after that third miscarriage, we sought the help of a specialist. Even under her care, though, we couldn’t carry a child to term and had miscarriage #4.

When we were going through all of these losses, I wrote. A LOT.

I didn’t fully realize it then, but I think writing was my therapy.

I worked through things on the page that I couldn’t work through any other way.

I thought I was healing. I thought I was moving past our losses. (Though maybe there are some losses you never really move past.) 

Fast forward a few years, and I just kind of stopped writing.

It wasn’t intentional. It just happened. 

I was tired. And busy.

My personal life had changed. My kids were both in school full time, and I decided to go back to work outside of the home.

Writing took a back seat to everything else in my life.

And with it, so did my healing.

At some point, along with letting writing slip away, I also let other things slip away. Things like prayer and reading my Bible.

This past year, I let another thing slide away: my daily practice of listing things in my life I was grateful for.

It was a slow slide.

I can see that now.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped doing things that were essential to my emotional well-being and faith.

A few months ago, I realized that because of all the things that I stopped doing on a consistent basis, my faith had grown somewhat stagnant.

It begin with disappointment.

I couldn’t wrap my head around the reality that God had NOT answered any of my prayers in those two years where we faced back to back miscarriages.

I couldn’t wrap my head around the questions that persisted, questions like…

If God really cared about me, how could he allow not just one, not just two, not just three, but four miscarriages? 

If God really listened to my prayers, why didn’t he do anything to help me? (And yes, I know He did do things, but he didn’t do the BIG thing I was asking him to do).

I couldn’t understand how a God who loved me could allow so much pain into my life. 

To be honest, I felt abandoned.

I felt unloved by a God that claimed to love me but didn’t prove it with his actions (or at least, didn’t prove it like I thought he should have).

I know these aren’t things a Christian is “supposed” to say, but I’m saying it because I figure, if I’ve struggled with this, there are surely others who have struggled with this as well.

For the past five years or so, I stopped writing about my questions, fears, doubts, and struggles. I guess I assumed I should be “over” everything by now.

But what I realized a few months back is that for me, my struggles are about more than just our miscarriages. My struggles were about the goodness of God in the midst of pain.

Surely I’m not the only one.

I’m not going to answer any of these hard questions and doubts in this post today. 

In fact, I don’t have the answers yet.

But I’m taking steps to find my way back. And I wanted to invite you to join me. 

If you’re feeling a similar way…if you’re feeling stagnant in your faith…if you want to get that excitement back, that joy back…if you’re looking for change, I want to invite you to join me.

I don’t know yet where this journey is going to lead, but I have some plans in the works.

More information coming soon…

For now, if you want to join me, leave a comment here and let me know!