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| My baby’s name written in the sand at www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com |
Tomorrow (Oct 15) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
It’s the day when men and women all over the world light candles in memory of the babies they have lost.
I will be lighting four candles in memory of Eden, Jesse, Ella, and Jadon.
Each of these four babies holds a piece of my heart. A piece that no matter how much time passes, I won’t ever get back.
Some people assume that miscarriage or babyloss grief will go away with time. And, yes, in a way the pain has lessened. But it won’t ever go away. There will always be a part of me that longs for my babies I never got to hold.
If someone you know has recently lost a baby, there are so many things you can do to help. Here are just a few:
How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Baby:
1. Do something in memory of her baby.
After each of our losses, our friends and family stepped in and did amazing things to show us how much they cared.
Memorial Ideas:
A blanket in memory of the baby
A garden, plant, or tree
A shadow box for ultrasound pictures or other mementos
Jewelry
Cards
A poem or letter to the baby
Flowers
2. Allow her to feel whatever she is feeling.
If she’s angry, let her be angry. If she’s crying uncontrollably, let her cry. (Be a shoulder for her to cry on.) You can’t fix this for her. She needs to feel these emotions (even the emotions she doesn’t want to feel) so that she can work through them.
3. Remember with her, especially on difficult days.
Some of the most difficult days for babyloss survivors are:
The Due Date
The Anniversary of Loss
Mother’s Day
October 15
The Day She Finds Out She is Pregnant Again
The Day She Finds Out Other People are Pregnant Again
The Times When People Ask Her How Many Kids She Has
People sometimes hesitate to say anything to babyloss survivors because they don’t want to bring it up and cause more pain. Here’s the thing, though. We are most likely already thinking about it, so you’re not bringing up something that is far from our minds.
Bringing it up shows us you care.
4. Refrain from offering answers.
I know you want to help. You want to fix this for her. But honestly, you can’t. The best thing you can do for her right now is to be there for her.
After going through four miscarriages, I have heard pretty much every “answer.”
Here are a few things I would recommend NOT saying after someone loses a baby:
“God needed your child more than you did.”
“You just have to trust His plans. He knows what he’s doing.”
“At least you have one child (or fill in the blank).”
“You’ll have another.”
“It’s time you moved on.”
If you’re not quite sure why these statements aren’t helpful, you can read my post about this topic here.
Instead of offering “answers,” here are a few things you can say:
“I’m sorry.”
“What can I do to help?” (And then be ready with a suggestion if she doesn’t have any ideas)
“I’m praying for you.” (And than actually pray)
“I’m remembering your baby with you.”
“I’m here.”
“I love you.”
“This sucks.” (Yes, it’s blunt. But it’s also the truth. One of the most helpful things someone said to me after one of our miscarriages was this.)
5. Point her to resources that might help.
Tell her about October 15th, show her this blog that writes names in the sand at sunset (the picture on this post is from this amazing ministry), give her books that might help (like Plan B by Pete Wilson or Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey), give her my email if you think I can help her in some way (it’s under the Contact bar), or point her to a good Christian counselor.
6. Do something practical to help.
Watch her other children while she goes to the doctor or miscarries at home. Bring her a meal. Come clean her house. These things help SO much.
7. Love her. No matter what.
More than anything else, she needs your love right now. So love her. You might say the wrong thing, you might do the wrong thing, but she will see your heart.
Love her, and be the hands and feet of Jesus to her at a time when she might be searching for Him more than ever before.
If you’d like more information on how to help, look through my miscarriage posts on this blog.
Let’s talk: Those of you who have lost babies, what else have people done to help?
My granddaughter was born still on October 4th 2015. I was there with my daughter and son in law by their request, I felt so honored. I helped deliver her and cut her cord. I’m still struggling with that loss. I am trying to find a way to celebrate her birth and morn my loss this year. I cannot let her birthday go by without acknowledgement. I went to the site where the name were written in the sand, but could not figure out how to add hers. Please give me any suggestions you might have. My name is Cheri and my number is 5415543537.
Thank you,
Cheri
The names in the sand site opens up for new names every so often so my guess is, she’s not taking new names at the moment. But if you watch the site, she’ll open up again soon I’m sure. Other ideas…plant a flower or tree for the child, get a piece of jewelry, release a balloon for her, or write her a letter. I’m so very sorry for your loss and praying for you. Hugs:(
We lost our baby 2 days ago. I found out the bad news on Monday Nov 10th. We have 2 kids 16 yr old and 22 month old. My husband returned from an 11 month deployment and we got pregnant quick! We were so happy till Nov 10th came. Now I’m mad, sad, devastated so many emotions. I miss my baby and we plan to try again but I don’t know if I can handle another loss. Now I’m recovering from my miscarriage. It hurts to see other women pregnant because I should be pregnant too. I just want to find peace with what has happened but it’s just so hard…
Carolina, I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could do or say something to make it easier…but there really are no words. Hugs to you and praying for you in this difficult time.
My husband and I just lost our first baby last week. We were at 10 and a half weeks. It was my worst fear coming to life. What makes it even harder is that as a new wife I moved 3 hours away from everyone I know back home. Three months later I still do not know anyone here. This is a time when I feel a need to be around people who love me. It is so hard to lose a baby and not have anyone to talk to about it. Even the people at my husband’s church are still strangers to me and they have no idea what is going on. I say I am okay but I feel this a pain that goes much deeper. What gives me peace is knowing that God is in control and that He has given me my husband to be with me through all of this.
I’m so so sorry, Sarah. Even though I don’t know you, I would give you a big hug if I could. Please know you are in my prayers tonight and in the days to come. Hugs to you.