A friend of mine had a miscarriage not too long ago, and she seemed to get over it quickly.
Another friend did too.
From my perspective (and granted, I know my perspective is exactly that-mine), I’m the only one I know of who can’t seem to get past their miscarriages.
And that has been really bothering me lately.
I know I shouldn’t care what other people think (and honestly, I don’t even know if anyone thinks this), but I feel like those around me are thinking, “Get over it already. It’s been three years.”
Heck, I’ve even thought that. I want to get over it.
But for some reason, I just can’t seem to get past it.
This week, I realized why.
While talking with a friend, she picked up on something I never really said. Through my ramblings, she got to the core of my brokenness.
My friends who have seemed to heal quickly have each gotten rainbow babies.
Their stories didn’t end in grief. Mine has.
When they think about their last pregnancies, they don’t think about unmoving babies on ultrasound screens and signing papers at the hospital that ask about child remains. They think about the baby they now hold in their arms.
Please know I’m not AT ALL trying to minimize their loss or make it seem as though one child takes the place of another. It doesn’t. One miscarriage that is followed by a healthy baby is still incredibly painful. It’s still just as much a loss.
But it’s not the same as four. With each loss we experienced, my fear grew. So did my hopelessness.
What my friend realized the other day as we talked is that one of the major causes of my grief is a lack of redemption…a lack of redemption that I have seen in the lives of others who have lost.
From the looks of it, my story is not going to end in a rainbow baby. I’ve been waiting five years for the rainbow and don’t see it yet. Instead, my story ends in grief.
There’s no closure. No miracle. No happy ending. Very little hope.
I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time.
Because I want the happy ending too and am afraid I’ll never get it…at least not on this side of heaven.
I don’t have any answers. This post isn’t meant to provide that. It’s just my thoughts today…thoughts I needed to give a home.
*I know this is a very personal post. I also know it’s a very debbie-downer type of post. I haven’t written one of these in awhile. But today, as October begins (which in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month), I needed to. Forgive me for rambling. And if you think of it, pray for me. Thanks for allowing me to share my heart tonight.
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
I’ve read the stories and for me, I’ve lost 8 little angels. I grew more despondent and bitter as time went on. In the end, I was blessed with a child not of my body but a gift from God through a family member who was having her fourth. I’ve been doing some soul searching and finally told God that His will be done!!! Here I am 6 Years later with a beautiful son who is my world. I’ve been through 3 failed marriages and yet, God saw fit to make me a mom anyway. I still grieve for the loss of my Angel’s, but I rejoice in knowing there is a loving God who wipes our tears, feels our pain and hears our cries. I’ve read so many stories of women in scripture losing children and not their faith. Ladies, not all Angel’s are meant to be in the present some come to give hope and strength then go back home, while others are here to help us get through the trials and tribulations of life on Earth. Love to you all, we are still mom’s…no matter where our Angel’s are!!
This made me cry, as I sit here on the eighth anniversary of my first miscarriage, unable to sleep because I can’t stop thinking of my lost baby. Feeling angry and sad that I am the only one who remembers. Feeling guilty because my first baby is sleeping soundly in his room. Feeling guilty because I couldn’t give him a brother or sister. Knowing that I will never have a rainbow baby. And finally feeling relieved that I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing. My heart goes out to all of you feeling this loss each day.
I am going through miscarriage number 4 right now. I am comforted to hear your story. I feel so alone sometimes in this. I feeling guilty as well because I do have a beautiful 4 year old girl that I had before having my 4 miscarriages. I am truly grateful for her and I feel ( and I feel like others do to) like I shouldn’t greive so hard over these babies lost. I am a mess. It’s very hard to understand how a women could have a very healthy pregnancy (after years of trying and a surgery) and then go to continue building our wish for a big family and be defeated over and over again. No explanations whatsoever. Test after test. No answers. I feel as though I should just bow out and be grateful (which I am) for what I already have. I am not one to give up at all but I have never felt so not in control until this. I really do feel better to write down my feelings.. Thank you for sharing. I will pray for you.
I needed to read this. Losing my twin mo-mo girls at 4 months along ( I didn’t even know there were twins until the ER ultrasound) in January has been devastating. I waver between feeling dead and numb, and just shaken and wracked with uncontrollable grief. I had a breakdown at work on Sept. 11, which was also the day before the anniversary of my first miscarriage, and I had to go home. I feel terrified about losing control and more of my life spinning away from me. 2 of my 3 kids speak candidly and talk about missing their sisters, both to me and to complete strangers. I don’t want to make them feel guilty or add to their grief, and I feel myself shutting down and becoming expressionless and stoic. Then random triggers make me collapse, in either bursts of anger or tears. Reading your blogs and the various comments helps me know I’m not alone in the depth of my grief and the feeling of being overwhelmed at times. I know God can and is using this for His purpose and glory. I know my empathy for others has grown. I pray that He helps my unbelief when I’m floundering. Thank you for your transparent and faith-filled message.
Beth, I’m so very sorry for the losses you have been through. My heart breaks reading about how much you are struggling. You are absolutely not alone in your grief. I’m lifting you up today. One thing that really helped me was going to counseling. I didn’t realize I needed it until someone else suggested I go. It was really helpful for me to talk about my feelings freely to someone who wasn’t going to judge me. That might be someone you want to consider. I don’t know. Just a thought. Something to consider anyway. Hugs to you today.
I thank you for writing this. I have spent the past year or so grieving not only the most recent loss (it was our 2nd m/c), but also the realization that there will be no more babies for me. I am in my mid-forties and health issues make it un-wise to consider pregnancy again. Even if we would take that risk, I don’t know if I can bear the thought of going through another m/c. But I loved those babies, and always hoped we would have more children. I believe the grief of the miscarriage has been intensified, because I am also grieving that there are very likely to be no more children. So…”me too”.
I have 2 as you put it rainbow babies but that baby I lost at almost 20 weeks is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I cry for her all the time and think of what could have been. I don’t know how to get over it or even if I should or want to. What I know is Jesus is the secret and one day I won’t cry tears of greif but of happiness. But until that day comes I pray and I pray and I kiss my babies and cry a little. That’s all I can add.
I absolutely agree, Kathryn, that Jesus is the way to find complete healing. I’m just not sure if that healing ever fully comes on this side of heaven. Blessings to you today. Thanks for sharing your story.
I am old now (64) with grandchildren, but I still hurt as much as ever, when I think about our first baby, which we lost. I held it in my hand for just a moment and then it just disintegrated. I WILL see my firstborn someday, I KNOW this. And I KNOW this child is with Jesus, where I also long to be.
Thank you for sharing your story. One thing about loss…it does make us long for heaven more. Hugs to you today.
I completely understand. I have had 6-7 miscarriages and never had a take home baby. It’s a wound that can’t heal. Thank you for your post. I needed it.
I’m so very sorry for the losses you have experienced. There are no words…
My heart is broken for you and your losses. Thank you for sharing. We have suffered 2 losses and the first was just devastating. I woke up one day and just knew he was dead. We went to the doctor and sure enough there was no more heartbeat. I had to get 2 people to keep checking because I felt like I couldn’t move. Like my legs were too heavy to walk. We were so very sad for our loss of our sweet angel. There were people who told us we could have another and that everything happens for a reason and that we’d get over it. All well-meaning but so painful. I suffered in silence for so long. We did have a child and then another loss and another live birth. You are right that having a rainbow baby does help. Even some days it was just I was so busy I couldn’t grieve. But I never got over it. It’s been 10 years and I still remember the due dates and the loss dates. I was the only one in my group of friends to have losses and we were all 4 pregnant at the same time. Very isolating pain and lots of asking God why and begging Him to take care of my babies and to help me want to live again. I do understand your pain and I will be praying for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your words of encouragement and prayers, Suzanne. You’re absolutely right about the things people say. I had so many people tell me after my first and second miscarriage that we’d have another eventually. But the truth is, we have no way of knowing what the future holds. It’s so much better to just say, “I’m so sorry.” Thanks again for sharing.
I completely relate to your post. I, too suffered four miscarriages. I agree with your diagnosis. While I still grieve the loss of my four children, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to because I have two “rainbow babies” as you call them. We adopted our son Thomas in 1998 and I gave birth to our daughter Jacqueline in 2003. The joy of raising my two healthy children definitely lessons the pain of miscarriage. Maybe something like adoption is the answer for you. I will pray for you and your husband to heal. May God give you strength and may He bless you with a family!
I’m so glad you have been given your “rainbow babies.” And I’m glad to know it has lessened your pain of miscarriage. Thanks so much for sharing your story and for your kind words and prayers. Blessing to you:)
I am sorry for your loss and for mine. I have been struggling with grief over this again. But out of our grief and loss can come blessing. So many children need adopted and it’s often only when we have a hole in our lives that we consider helping them. You and I do have a choice about what we do about our loss but children waiting for adoption do not. They can only wait and hope. That being said we may not be adopting bc of some things and it breaks my heart to think of never having children of my own. However, I have decided that I will pour myself into the children around me and seek to bless them all my life, to truly love them and to love them well, not holding back bc they are not my own or bc of my sadness. God is a good God. He blesses all but not with the same blessings. I want my life to be focused on loving others and not on what I have lost or do not have. I am praying for God to help me bc I cannot do this myself.
Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Sarah. I think you’re absolutely right about adoption. God so often does use infertility or miscarriages to open someone’s eyes to adoption. I think that’s one of the ways he redeems the loss.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what you are going through specifically (never pregnant) but I understand the feeling. I have the same feeling when I think of (finally) meeting someone (I’m now 45–I’ve already given up on a family). And I get similar comments and/or suggestions from people who just don’t get how desolate and abandoned by G-d one feels when nothing. ever. works. and you cannot get to date two time after time.
So sending you prayers and hugs. May G-d send you your rainbow baby or if not that, may He at least help you through the pain and grant you the clarity to define your life without one.
Thank you for sharing your heart. And thank you for your prayers. I’m praying for you as well. Hugs.
Thank you for your honesty. I don’t really know what to say more as I am one of those moms who did get her rainbow baby, both times. So I am just sending you my prayers and hope that our heavenly Father gives you comfort and an even deeper understanding of his love.
(It took me 3 years, even with a rainbow baby to give my first miscarriage a place and then it happened again. I was told to get over it already, but these things take time.)
Thank you for taking time to comment and for your prayers. I appreciate it very much!
Lindsey, my heart aches with yours. This month I remember my babies, Blessing, Shiloh, and Pearl. All early miscarriages, and maybe more. Hope is fading and I feel so alone. I know I’ll see them Someday. But it still hurts. I’m struggling with the great possibility that I will not have another and maybe facing early menopause.
Thank you for showing me that I’m not alone. I wish I could hug you and share a cup of tea or coffee if you prefer.
Sending you a “virtual hug” today, Sara. And remembering your sweet babies with you this month. Shiloh, Blessing, and Pearl are lucky to have such an amazing mother who loves them so very much.
I’ve lost a baby, had a baby, lost three more, then had two and i’m STILL not over the ones we lost…how do you ever get “over” such loss is beyond me…amd now I can’t get pregnant at all it seems and its STILL hard! I want a baby so badly but nothing ?
Ansley, I’m so very sorry for the losses you have experienced and for the unfulfilled longing for a child. I can relate to that so much. Hugs and prayers coming your way.
Wow. I had to read this a couple times because I thought I had written it and sent it in and forgotten. I had 7 miscarriages in 10 years. No births. Now I’m 41 and I’ve had to give up. I’m not mad at God but I don’t understand His ways. I know He’s sovereign though. He loves me and has a purpose and a plan for my life. But I do feel your pain like only someone can who is walking a million miles in your shoes. It was an excruciating decade and i still suffer. But it does get easier. A little. Best wishes. You are not alone. There are more of us here on the planet walking with you. Xoxox
Thank you for commenting, December. I’m so very sorry for all the losses you have experienced. Thank you for sharing your story. I would never wish multiple miscarriages on anyone, but it does help me so much to know I’m not alone. There are other women out there who “get it.” Blessings to you today.
Thank you for your honesty. There are many women, me included who don’t have that happy ending and we still grieve many years later. I have named my three children who went before me. When I cry…I call my tears Holy Healing Tears because I believe God is crying with me. I have never felt God wants me childless. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing, Jan. I named my babies as well: Eden, Jesse, Ella, and Jadon. Blessings to you. I appreciate your words so much.
I have lost 5 precious babies and am losing hope I will ever be a mother this side of heaven. I’ve tried to put on a brave face for the people who think I should “just get over it” or “move on” but they’re not in my shoes. And they don’t realize that I’m not just mourning the children I’ve lost, I’m also mourning the children I may never have. I’m trying really hard not to let the tears flow right now. And no, having a baby after a loss doesn’t minimize the loss. But it does give a happy ending to their story. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone in feeling this way.
Jessye, you brought up a really important point when you said you’re also grieving the children you may never have. I feel that way too. I’m grieving the family I always imagined having. I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through right now. I wish so much no one ever had to go through this journey. But I appreciate you sharing. It does help to know I’m not alone.
Nov 3, 1981 – Ryan. Jan 6, 1983 – Rachel. After all these years, I still remember and grieve the losses. It’s okay to feel as if you “can’t get over it.” Your heart is then tenderized so that you can help others. It has helped me to write letters to my children who live in heaven and to memorialize them by planting mums – a beautiful reminder that they lived and continue to live even though not in my current world. Prayers!
Memorializing my babies has helped me too. I also named mine. And had their names written in the sand at sunset on a beach. In some strange way, you’re right, it does help. It’s like it tells everyone else, this child existed and this child mattered.
Oh dear I understand your words completely. I feel the path your walking as I am too. My miscarriages where in 2008 and 6 months apart to the day both at 12 and a half wks, then followed further investigations and operations but no babies. The moment when your laid on the table watching the empty scan video play back and the nurse confirming there’s no heart beat never leaves you. Having to catch your loss in a bowl for the nurse again to confirm yes its a full miscarriage. Sitting on the bathroom floor in the hospital, holding what should have grown inside you and resulted in your beautiful baby never ever goes away, the image and the feelings are always there in your heart and mind. As a result of not accepting my miscarriages or as people say moving on enough time has passed by, your not the only one, ended my marriage and there isn’t a day that goes by when i don’t feel guilty for loosing our babies. The only strength I have to carry on is from my first born who is a beautiful young man im proud to call my son. My heart goes out to everyone that feels this way and thank you for sharing your feelings, we really are not alone in this darkness. X
My heart is just breaking for you as I read your comment. I’m so so sorry for the losses you have gone through. I’m crying as I sit here because I want to say something to help, but you and I both know there really are no words…Prayers for you tonight.
It’s so comforting knowing I’m not alone. I have had five pregnancies and lost nine babies. I had two ectopic, I’ve done Clomid several times and IVF three times. Not a day goes by I don’t think about them. I’m now trying to move onto the next chapter of my life which is acceptance that it may never happen for me. Not only can I not get pregnant but for some unknown reason I can’t sustain a pregnancy either. I will pray for you ladies daily. Thanks for listening.
it’s ok to never get over it and it’s no one business if you do or don’t. hugs. I’ve lost 4 also and had a healthy baby inbetween them and it still hurts when I think of all the children I could have had with my husband. I love my husband and the babies we lost and I wish things would have turned out different because theres nothing more that I wanted than to have a big family with him and him having several kids with me to raise. but that wasn’t what God had in mind for us and I try to be ok with that. I still get sad over it and I could care less about other’s thoughts or opinions about it I stick with people who let me talk it out or at least have the common sense to just not say anything rude. all of our feelings are ok and we owe no apology for them whenever they come up.
Thanks for sharing your story, Kristina. I appreciate it so very much.
Hugs and prayers to all of us who are in this situation. Sunday will be 3 years since my miscarriage and even after 3 years of fertility treatments, we have not conceived again. The Lord is my strength during those times when I am around others who are pregnant or recently pregnant. I don’t think you ever truly get over the loss of a child no matter how long or short the time was that you carried it. Even my mom remembers her miscarriage that occurred even before I was born. A friend helped by reminding us that we now have an angel in heaven being spoiled by its grandmother. I know that I will be together with them in the future.
I sadly have stopped treatments-I can’t handle the emotional roller coaster. I now expend my energy into my students I teach daily being the second mother that some need.
Continued prayers that the Lord show his path to each of us and assists us to reach that path.
Hugs and prayers to you too, Rebekah. I’m so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to endure:(
Thank you for sharing. I could have written that almost word for word. 🙁 I feel the same way. I’ve had 5 losses in the past two and a half years and no “hope” in sight. I will be praying for you. I’d love to become friends, as I feel like I’m the only one in the world still facing my grief also. Again, thank you for sharing. I REALLY needed to read/hear that!
Sarah, I would love to connect further too. I also struggle a lot feeling like no one else really gets what I’m feeling.
I am so sorry for your losses. I have lost 5 babies (1 single, 1 molar and 1quad pregnancy) and I learned you don’t “get over it” but you learn to live in your new life. I tried having children for 5 years before we decided to adopt. After getting all of our paperwork completed I found out I was pregnant. I now have 2 children but it took us many years to get there. It is very hard and still difficult at times even after your children. Your friends might just be putting on a good front but behind closed doors they could be a mess. Prayers for you in this journey.
Thank you for sharing your story, Gina, and for your prayers and words of encouragement. Hugs to you:)
I don’t have the right words to say or anything. But all I can say is I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have had 7 miscarriages in 4 years. I would get mad at the doctors when they said it’s just like a heavy period…ummm I don’t think so. We have tried so many times to have the hope and know that God knows what he’s doing, but sometimes you question and wonder. I think of the “faith of mustard seed”…I’ve had that faith and it still gets taken away. We’ve tried everything, Clomid, IUI, IVF, etc. Most recently we had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy (after 4 ultrasounds and they couldn’t find the baby) with internal bleeding…I almost joined our baby in heaven. We have since started our adoption process…but it will never replace the 7 we have lost. I still have good days and bad days. It’s a very difficult road to travel. I will pray for you.
Oh Debbie, my heart hurts just thinking about 7 miscarriages. I can’t even imagine. I’m so very sorry. Praying for a speedy adoption for you and that you find peace as well.
It might have been a “Debbie Downer” post, but it was a message that needs to be said. So often we put grief on a timeline and try to imply that someone should be over it by now. Everyone’s circumstances are different. I recently had a conversation with someone who was bothered by another woman not being able to get past her miscarriage. She had a daughter prior to the m/c and is now pregnant again. Comparisons were made between her loss and the difficulties that I have been through as if to say that because I have moved on, she should too.
I pray that one day she finds peace. It is not up to anyone else to decide what that will look like for her.
Thank you for opening up about your experience! We need more women to speak out!
Thanks so much for your words and for sharing your story. I appreciate it very much.