10 years ago this month, Keith and I began a journey that I never would have thought we might take. I can still remember that first miscarriage like it happened days ago instead of years ago.
My First Miscarriage: 10 Years Ago
At the beginning of October 2010, a friend of mine lost her baby. I remember when I found out how much my heart hurt for her, but I also remember worrying for me. You see, I was pregnant too. We had seen our baby’s heartbeat, but it had been a few weeks.
When I heard her news, there was something deep down in my gut telling me then (even before I had any reason to fear) that something was wrong. I remember going on a walk around the neighborhood and praying for God to protect our little one. After that walk and time of prayer, I felt at peace. I assumed it was because God was going to keep our baby safe.
What I didn’t know then was that our little one was already in the arms of God. He or she had passed shortly after that ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat…but I didn’t know that yet.
About a week later, I went in to volunteer at a local pregnancy center. They needed ultrasound training hours for some of their staff, so I volunteered. It’s always fun to see your baby! I remember thinking naively. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The nurse doing the ultrasound was quiet as she began. More quiet than usual. And it didn’t take me long to figure out why. I had seen plenty of ultrasounds in the past so I knew what I should have been seeing…and what I wasn’t seeing.
That heartbeat I had seen weeks ago was gone.
I called my husband and we went together to the doctor’s office. They brought me straight back. I didn’t even have to wait. (That should have been a sign to me of how serious it was, but I was still thinking God was going to do a miracle).
We did another ultrasound. And saw the same still baby on the screen.
I remember driving home that evening and calling my mom. She was watching my oldest child. I remember calling a friend who had miscarried and asking her for advice. I remember staring out the window as the sun went down that evening, at a loss for how I was ever going to get through the pain I was feeling.
That was October 14, 2010. I had surgery the next day (which I found out later is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day).
Every year since that time, I have lit a candle on October 15 in memory of that baby I never got to hold.
But I haven’t only lit one candle. I’ve lit four.
You see, two months after that first miscarriage, I had a second one (and on New Year’s Day, no less). Six months later, I had a third. Then, one year later, this time under the care of a fertility specialist, I had a fourth miscarriage.
Four miscarriages in two years rocked me to my core. It shattered so much of me. I walked away from that time a broken person, wondering why God didn’t answer my prayers in the way I thought He would, feeling like my prayers went no higher than the ceiling, and wondering why God was helping (what seemed like) everyone else get pregnant and totally ignoring me.
Have you ever been there? I honestly hope you haven’t. But my guess is, there are many of us out there. Maybe you didn’t lose 4 babies. Maybe you lost 1 or 2 or 3 or 6. Maybe instead you lost a marriage. Or a child. Or your health. Or a picture of what you thought your life would look like.
We all face struggles in this life. They might look different, but they all hurt deeply.
10 years ago, I lost a baby. But I lost so much more than that.
One thing I didn’t lose, though, was the God I followed. There were days when I felt totally abandoned by Him, but He hadn’t left me. It took me a while to realize that, but it was true. (I’d be happy to share more about the healing God eventually did in my heart, but that would make this post WAY too long. If you want to know more, look back at the many miscarriage posts on this blog. Or, check out my book Unbeaten, where I tell the full story.)
Your Miscarriage Questions Answered: Join me at a Facebook Live on October 15, 2020 at 8 PM Central
This month, in honor of the four babies I lost, I’m hosting a Facebook live where I will answer any question you might have about miscarriage.
Because of the losses we have gone through and because I have shared about them so openly, I am often approached by those seeking advice. Sometimes, I’m approached by those going through a miscarriage; other times by those who know someone going through one. People ask me what helps the most, what to say, what not to say, and a variety of other questions.
I’m not a medical professional, but I do have a lot of experience, so send me your questions!
Leave a comment on this post, send me an email through my contact page, or reach out through my Facebook page.
All questions will be shared anonymously (unless you want me to mention your name), so you don’t have to worry about confidentiality. I’ll continue accepting miscarriage questions through Wednesday, Oct 14, so make sure and get your questions sent in before then.
About Unbeaten:
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
*Want to read some of my other posts on miscarriage? Here are some of the most popular ones:
Why It’s Not “Just” A Miscarriage
Difficult Days For Miscarriage Survivors (and why you need to know about them)
